Journaling: And I feel like I shouldn't be given what I've seen happen with Sage and May within days of each other. My god. These WHs. I've been avoiding posting because the reality is nothing is happening. Slow going. Not IronWill's glacial pace but we are certainly moving so much slower than I had ever anticipated at this point. Things are same old same old for the most part. We exist as a married couple who doesn't share a bed or says I love you. The only real new development is he invited me to a grad party with him yesterday. It was a) the first time he invited me any where just the two of us that had absolutely nothing to do with our kids and b) it was the first time we had been out together and in front of a couple who I know, know what's been going on. The husband is one of H's good friends and knew everything, by H's admission, but we have no mutual friends and he has no social media so he just kind of just dropped out of my eye line per se. We had a great time. Still not in our bed to sleep, I should be really specific nothing has changed about the other times he's finding himself in our bed. That is still way more often then it had been for years. Still no hand holding. He did get me a drink every time he got himself one. He guided me with his hand in the small of my back for the first time in ages. And as usual I feel like a complete fool for being excited that he's doing sh** he should be doing as my husband. And I am genuinely excited at his baby steps in letting me be his wife in the outside world, not just cloistered in our 4 walls.
Two nights ago my mom came to me in my dreams. And she just wanted to ask me how things were. I told her how things were going and how stuck I felt. My mom was never one for advice. She was the queen of validation. Just and "I'm sorry hunny. Well if he can't see what he's got he's an idiot, but I think he'll get it together" kind of mom. For the first time in ages I didn't bawl my eyes out after her little dream visit. We just had a nice chat and I woke up happy. The next day he invited me to go to that party with him. Last night I dreamed that I was laying in H's arms and he genuinely apologized for dragging me along on this ride and said he loved me. I don't put a ton of stock in my dreams I'm a little woo woo, but not that woo woo. However, I completely stopped dreaming during the crisis phase of this. I had only one dream from November - March and it was me being trapped in uncomfortable situations with H. 1 night 5 different scenarios. All me trying to get away or avoid H entirely. Then my mom came to me in a dream in late March and I had such a hard time getting myself together I climbed on top of H as he was waking up on the couch and said I don't care if you don't want to be the person who comforts me there's no one else so you're stuck. Hug me like you give a d@mn. He did. And from that point on if I look blue he offers me hugs and asks what's wrong. I don't think he's going to tell me he loves me tomorrow. But I do think my mom was throwing me a bit of bone to try to stay focused here and stay on the path.
