I don't think you can R with a man who wants someone else, and isn't willing to do the work to get her out of his life and repair both himself and the marriage. I believe you have waited, and I believe you said you were going to wait and maybe see where you were in August. Do you want to do that still, or does this change things?
I don't know how sincere he's been or how well he's been trying the last few months, but it looks - from the outside - that fixing himself would involve having a good long hard look at his shortcomings and really feeling the pain of how he has treated you, and not fixing himself involves either him attempting to have it both ways - his mistress on the phone and his wife in the house and everyone, apparently, being fine with that, or leaving you for his mistress and blaming you for not being fine and friendly about it.
The only thing I think is left to you now is strict 100% consistent, cold, cold cold Last Resort going dark. You act as if you are single and he happens to be there, and you are willing to tolerate it civilly. No matter what the threats and whining and pouting are that you get from him. Prepare yourself, because at some point he will say some version of 'we could have r'd and had a happy ending if you weren't so cold and mean to me and didn't make me choose' and it will hurt, and it will also be the flailings of an emotional toddler not getting his own way.
To get him out of the house you're going to need to file and buy him out, and I accept you might not be ready for that. If you are, go ahead and do it - you don't need to discuss that with him, or the financial aspect of things. He can sit in the basement like a banished teenager and you can do all the financials and custody stuff via lawyers. It will be horrible. It will hurt. He will probably try every emotionally manipulative trick in the book to get you to stop it so he can have what he wants - your approval and forgiveness and the admiration of his grubby little mistress, and all of you buying into the fiction that he has a one great love, and a brilliantly understanding best friend who just happens to be the mother of his children. But that isn't true. It never was. He just needs it to be so he's not a complete... well... reprobate - and you don't need to give him that story. And even though the process of divorcing him will be horrible and it will hurt, it will also have an end point - where you can close the door and lock it behind him. And the other version of the story - where you wait for him to grow a conscience and commit to you - that doesn't really have an end point, does it?
I think your husband needs to change, badly. Your marriage won't work unless he changes his mind about his mistress, about who he is, about his part in it, and about what he needs to do next. And people don't change unless the discomfort of that is outweighed by the comfort of staying the same. I think your H is pretty well comfortable right now - and I'm not sure you can supply enough discomfort to him that would outweigh what it is going to cost him to take a look at himself and the stories he has been spinning himself.
Sit with this. Think about whether you want a man like this - who isn't able to reflect on his own behaviour, and who thinks treating women this way is preferable than taking the pain of self reflection. I know I've posted very harshly on your thread before and hurt you without meaning to, so I won't do it again - only to say I am so angry with your H and totally disgusted with how cowardly and immature he is. Do you have any anger of your own? Can you take that energy to make good strong decisions for yourself and your emotional safety?
