I've watched all the videos. About halfway through Divorce Remedy. I'm right at two weeks past "the email", which was essentially she wanting a separation and divorce and we need to figure out how to transition this best for the kids and that this is not a cry for help or bluff, but that it's serious and nothing left to talk about.
Due to some special financial circumstances, she said that she knew that I needed time and that I could stay in the house for a while, but that we needed a clear separation. We have been sleeping separate for a while and I spent over a year away from home as an involuntary guest of the federal govt. Been home about 4 months, but she claims that this all started long ago and it's clear that nothing is going to change.
I then made the typical initial mistakes of clinging/pursuing, because I have in fact done quite a bit of changing during my involuntary sabbatical, but those changes were somewhat blurred during my readjustment to the family and the subsequent virus quarantine stress.
Nevertheless, here we are and only option left to me is DR. However, I'm barely starting to implement anything and already may have made a mistake. Last week, my wife managed to engage me in a round of long text messages where I made the mistake again of explaining my defenses. Which she culminated in a renewed request that we talk about moving forward with the separation/divorce.
Now my typical response to such a request to talk is procrastination and avoidance, which naturally got us to this point, as my wife would typically badger me for quite a while before such a conversation. Meanwhile, after making myself a bit scarce for a couple days, yesterday afternoon she asked me for help on a project for my daughter and also asked about where I was going last night as I was again leaving to make myself scarce.
So this morning after going for a long walk, I decided to do something different while kids were still asleep and bring up the conversation I was dreading before she had to ask again. Out of character for me. Unfortunately, I probably should have asked this question here before such a conversation.
Evidently, it caught her off guard, when I asked if she wanted to talk about it right then. She said she guessed so, but the first question was how quickly I could move out of the house. And then my mistake. See, my wife makes significantly more money than I, due to the incarceration. She is financially able to move out immediately if she wanted, whereas I'm not suppose to move anywhere while on probation. Which is basically what I said to her. That sent her into a frenzy. She had this all figured out that I would "leave peacefully for the sake of the children" and she would continue on as she did last year. In addition, she revealed that she knew that I can't afford living on my own and thus she understood that I may need to live with my parents in another town for a while to satisfy the probation officer.
The argument then dissolved into a history of why I caused all of this. At which point, I realized my mistake and stated that if she wanted to rehash the past then fine let's do that with a therapist coach. And then I ungracefully made my escape.
So now the immediate question is whether I should move out of house and if so when? And along those lines, should I fight to stay in the house? Again, in my current situation, under typical Texas guidelines, I should be able to stay in the house, and even get temporary spousal support. Of course that's typical in reverse male/female situation, so I am fighting that uphill battle. I do have the additional argument that the federal govt doesn't want me to change anything, as well as the sentimental argument that I've already missed the graduation of my son and I should be able to spend a bit more time at home with my youngest.
So, my one thought is that if I stay in the house, then it means that my wife is not just kicking me out and keeping the rest of her life the same, but rather she must pursue her "happiness through divorce" by leaving the house. Not that I would force her to leave, I would just fight to make sure the judge doesn't make me leave.
The other thought is that I'm causing undue pain, as I really want her to be happy. Even though I don't think she will find happiness through divorce, should I let her pursue it and play the long game to win her back later.
Or, am I looking at this all wrong? I know that I still need to finish the book and dig through these forums.
