I’ve been off the board for awhile really focusing on myself and my daughter. I have come a long way in terms of detachment, and I can honestly say that for the first time. My feelings aren’t gone, nor are my wishes that things were different. I just feel stronger and more “ok” in general. I *think* I may be very close to finally securing a remote job. The money isn’t great but there are benefits and the flexibility of working from home which is super appealing to me, especially given the uncertainty of the coming school year (D4 is supposed to be starting kindergarten...) The 2 year mark since H moved out came and went in May. I found a journal entry is written at the time of BD: H had told me that he thought maybe in 2 years he’d be ready to try our marriage again. At the time that sounded like an insanely long time and I remember I actually scoffed at that comment and told him there was no chance I’d be around in 2 years. Here I am. I don’t know what to make of any of that, but it seems noteworthy.
H has been overly friendly and touchy with me over the last few months. Hugging me randomly, rubbing my back, etc. it’s been very weird. I’ve attributed it to the fact that I’ve pulled away and been more warmly detached than I was before. He also asked if he could take D4 to visit my mother and stepfather which is bizarre on multiple levels. My mother and I have been estranged for years and he is well aware of that fact, and the fact that I’m extremely protective of D4 when it comes to my mother. I KNOW that he knows I would never agree to that, not to mention how strange it is that he wants to go up and see MY parents at this point?
Anyway, I just got hit with a bomb. Long story short, H asked me to keep D4 on his night this weekend because he was going out of state to pick up some things his recently deceased father left him. I said yes of course, and as the departure date approached this week, I knew something was off.
He was giving short one word answers about it and obviously avoiding talking about the trip. He’s been gone all weekend and hasn’t checked in or asked to speak to D4 once which is very unusual for him. I don’t even know when he is coming back. I texted him this morning to find out if he’d back in time to see D4 on his usual day this week, and to ask about what his covid exposure is looking like. I feel it’s my right to know what level of exposure risk D4 and I are being put into. Long story short he admitted that he’d gone on the trip with his girlfriend. That was the first time he’s used that word about the women he’s dated while we’ve been separated. I’d already figured he was probably with another woman based on his behavior, so I wasn’t shocked, but that term hurt. Turns out he never made it to the city he was meant to be going to mourn his father. He said he planned to but that “it didn’t work out”. Sickening.
I’d already decided to do my best to stick with my detachment in the face of this. I responded that I already figured that but thanks for finally being honest about at least part of this. Then he basically tried to preemptively stonewall me by saying that we need to talk when he’s back on Tuesday. I asked that he just text me whatever it is he feels we need to talk about it, because it’s more productive for me to process on my own before we try to talk. He refused and said “you can handle waiting”. It’s crazy how quickly he almost gets punitive with me when he knows he’s being a sh**, as I’d it’s me that’s done something wrong.
I’m a bit stunned I think, but my suspicions were already there and I already cried a lot about it on Saturday, so I feel a bit numb. What I really want is to be so well emotionally and mentally prepared for this talk that we apparently need to have that I will be able to appear as unbothered as possible. For my own empowerment, I want to handle this in the exact opposite way than what he’s likely expecting, so he has only his own feelings to sit with. I want to react with the closest I can get to loving(ish) detachment as possible. The nice thing is that it won’t have to be completely faked, though it will definitely take some fake it til I make it. I will try to make sure I’m as calm and centered as I can be beforehand. I’m thinking my best bet to control my emotions during this talk will be to not say anything. I’ll actively listen, then tell him I need to think about what he’s saying and say goodnight. How does that sound? This moment feels really really important to me. I want to feel empowered and strong. And I do not want H thinking for a second that this hurts me as much as it does. I want to pull off this particular scenarios version of “you want to go? I’ll pack your bags”. I disliked at that early on and for a long time and I regret that. I’d like to see if I can cultivate that for myself now, and show us both that I’m no longer who he thinks I am.
As always, I’m grateful to have this place to come and vent this out, and I welcome any and all thoughts, advice, comments, etc.
