a new normal

[may22]

Hi Sage,

Thank you for the reply... I feel awful. I have been running on 1 hour of sleep and no food all day also, which I know isn't healthy. The poor children have been watching TV all day long while we talk and take breaks.

I did say I would file for D and borrow money from my parents to buy him out of the house, but it just devolved into a not-great conversation of arguing over how much the house is worth. And it may be pretty difficult in truth because our house is worth a lot of $. As of now he is going to start sleeping in the office, tell the kids because he has to wake up so early for work and doesn't want to wake me up.

All fall, I DB-ed (or tried with a number of slip-ups) after he told me in August he had an "emotional connection" with a woman, totally downplayed the time frame and said they were no longer in contact. Trickle truth all fall until the end of December when he told me the full scope. By December, I knew they were back in contact. I spent all of December getting myself prepared to tell him he needed to stop or leave, and the R talk that I initiated is when I got the full scoop on the A. We went through this whole same thing then and spent 6 weeks from Jan to mid-Feb in total limbo, going to a DC, him still in regular contact with her and completely paralyzed about making a decision. He had a trip to visit her city in mid-Feb and by the end of Jan had decided to break it off with her, which he did then.

So all to say... I have been here before. I feel like EXACTLY in the same place. (Yes, probably different for him than for me-- he now can say he "tried" for 4 months and wasn't able to get her out of his mind.) Also, news flash, they DID STAY IN CONTACT!! Nothing major-- they each called each other on their birthdays, four or five texts. He said he really needed to check up on her to see how she was doing and didn't consider it "contact" because it didn't mean anything. (OMG.) Also he argued that his April conversation with her was short and actually helped him to detach so it was good that he had that conversation... it was just this past weekend when they spoke that they both realized how much they still love each other. But. He never really did complete NC. I'm just so... disappointed more than anything else. I believed him that he was really trying. And maybe in his limited way he was. But when he never let her go in his head and heart, he never got to the place where he could look me in the eyes and say he believed we could make M2.0 work and was ready to try. That is something I really can't forgive him for. He says the children are his most important priority, except that he can't give up his drug/love.

Can I live through more limbo? His AP lives 5000 miles away. I don't even see how letting him go to her really does anything-- he won't really have the opportunity to experience a real R with her in that time frame and he said himself he doesn't think they would see each other at all. I feel like he's thinking of this more as a preparatory time to get me used to the idea of being separated from him so when/if she finally moves out here I'll be all ready to welcome her into our happy little family.

Do I want this person any more as my H? I think that is the bigger question right now. Scout, Alison, you're posing very good questions. I need to sit with this and go back through all my S/D scenarios. I'm POed because we have spent all spring on plans that are now out the window, including me going out on my own as a consultant and some major month-long family trips (which of course he thinks we are still going on together.)