I know I don't comment much but I have been following along.
Wow. That certainly is a lot to have to go through. I'm so sorry you're going through any of this in the first place.
Their timeline is really long. I think none of us realize just how long, just how chaotic and just how confusing things are until we get the occasional glimpse of it, and then that sends us LBSes spiralling - because we WANT to see progress, we want to see some kind of great leap forward. That's the nature of the LBS who has committed to standing. But I think we often forget just how bizarre the thought patterns are.
I can't help you with what to do, but I know that in my sit when I've noticed my WAW veer into chaotic territory (and I think you H is there right now), I back away. Very far away. I set my boundaries firmly and stick to them.
I would pick only the strongest boundaries to talk about though. R talks when he is in an open affair seem like they will only push him toward the AP - he's and AP's R has only now suddenly become a chaotic relationship. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions - probably best to get out of his way and let him take the full brunt of the hit.
If it were me I wouldn't talk about the AP and their R. If you don't want to talk about the A - you do not have to. I would kindly find a way (your way) to say something like: I understand you're in pain but I do not want to talk about the AP.
You are the stable unwavering one with rock solid morals. You know what's right and wrong. He is flailing about like a recently landed fish. You are the lighthouse made of granite in this monster hurricane.
May this is so tough. Remember - there are no time limits on this - so take as long as you need to think about things. Make sure your decisions aren't emotional ones - I always try to separate my immediate reactions from the event to try to get some perspective on it. You have the control here - you decide if you've had enough.
