Finding and living compassionate indifference

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

I am anguished because I can’t understand how H has become so uncaring toward me since BD and so cold

He is in MLC. He is driven by his emotions which are cranked to 11. He is cold towards you because he can’t handle his own emotions, never mind anyone else’s.

maybe it’s more accurate to say I don’t understand how all of that just seems to increase as time goes on, as if I am actively fighting him (maybe in his view I am by not running away or playing into his apparent fantasy of a D in which he does nothing and owes nothing?).

MLCers will expend incredible resources and energies into maintaining their fantasy. They absolutely have to. The alternative is unimaginable to them - for the moment.

Of course, life, you, fate gets in the way of their illusions with bills, facts, reality, etc... For the most part, MLCers run from these pressures. And at other times they push back, seeking confrontation to be used as justifying their irrational reasoning for all this mess and destruction. In essence, trying to blame the LBS.

Leave him to his mess. Do not engage. He knows you, and know what buttons to push. He is looking for a fight. Don’t take the bait. Focus on you. Be a roommate.

Remember, his path is irrational and emotional. It will not make rational and logical sense. It can, however, be understood when viewed more from an irrational perspective and empathic lens. The compassionate indifference you are after.

A caution. Do not get too caught up in attempting to solve him. That is what is driving him crazy; he can’t figure himself out either, why he feels what he does. And by the way, he doesn’t even know what he feels. Getting too far into his mind, too fast, will drive you bonkers.

when she questioned why H didn’t leave since he wanted a D and wanted a new life, he said I could go. She asked where I would go, and he said that I could go live with my parents (states away.)

Suddenly it’s right to him that I should have to give up my life here and move in with my parents because he wants a D? It makes me feel sick to think H is feeling this way about me.

It’s interesting the little tidbits MLCers drop. The clues they spew. And sometimes the outright; but they think there are so clever, like a child thinking they are hiding when covering their eyes; blurting out of something major.

MLCers project their pain and fears upon us and others. They cannot handle it, so they project towards someone else.

H’s suggestion that you move in with your parents is actually about him. Remember this entire ride is about him, and not really about you. H is looking at, mulling over, reliving a time - about moving in or living with his parents. Something from his past is probably stirred up towards the surface. He of course cannot handle it, so he makes it about you.

As difficult as the spewing is, and his projections, this is progress for him. MLC is a twisted and slow journey. There are very few external signs with most everything happening within them.

I am having trouble getting over my disbelief that he would say and believe things like this, and that he would feel so strongly that I need to go, and not him, in the first place.

Hopefully, you can see, understand, and accept my explanation a bit more. It takes time to believe. Disbelief is powerful. By the way, don’t focus too much on what he feels. It changes all the time.

Remember - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. This is all just words. It’s a year and H is still there.

The friend says men often get mean once they decide they want a D...

LOL.

In my experience the women gets mean. Haha.

Anyone who gets to the point where D is now their preference, for whatever reasons, is not going to be really friendly anymore.

On your thread, there’s been some discussion of seeds planted in a person. I can look back and see poor coping skills in H and unexamined anger, but I don’t see him being a “bad” person or a narcissist or the kind of person who would treat others he once loved like this... I still don’t believe at his core this is who he is. So how do I make sense of it enough to let it go? This is something I am clearly not at peace with and I have to work on it, because it puts me back in the place where my thoughts are filled with H.

How to make sense enough to let go? Compassion, empathy, indifference.

A good helping of faith doesn’t hurt either.

You don’t see H as a bad person. Looking back you can see his poor coping skills and hidden anger. Not seeing any seeds is not a problem. These seeds of MLC were planted long before you came into the picture, and they were buried deep.

It’s ok to remember the man H was and may still be deep inside. I do believe these crisis people are very lost souls. And unfortunately some never find their way back.

Do not rewrite your history. In time, perhaps you will see or feel things a bit differently. Ensure you remain accurate.

Have faith. Heal yourself. The counterintuitive advice is first and foremost for you, and gives you the best chance at restoring you marriage.

Have faith in the possibilities. Hope lives in possibilities.

Have faith in letting go and letting H walk his path. It is really the kindest and most loving thing you can do. Believe that.

I sure hope you are right, because I have been questioning whether I am still doing the right things. It is definitely counterintuitive. I so hope acceptance is around the corner.

I am proud of you cardinal. It is no easy path you walk. Questioning is wise. Follow your beliefs. And have faith. Let go and heal yourself. Stay your course, you are doing fine.

The only way I see movement on the living together end right now is if one of us files, and even then that would probably drag on. Am I missing something?

The business side of MLC does need to be addressed. One needs to ensure their financial protection and security. You sound like you are comfortable with your current finances.

We all came here looking to bust our pending divorce. I would not advocate filing unless you are being abused or need financial security and/or protection. Since I’ve never hear any concerns with either, let H do the heavy lifting. And we all know how quickly he is moving towards that.

Time is your friend and a gift. Invest it wisely. Let time work it magic upon you and H.

Focus on you. Be cordial and kind. Be a roommate. Let the MLC burn out of H. Let H grow up. You keep living and moving forward.

Imagine years from now, whatever outcome may be, you don’t want regrets. If you file, you take over the process. It becomes yours. If you ask him to leave. It’s manipulation. As I said, only for abuse or protection or such, otherwise you may regret your choice. Keep your focus on you, and dig deep for patience.

You want him to act because of his pressures not yours. Hopefully he realizes that you haven’t been doing anything, not bothering him lately (lol the MLCer’s point of view is so twisted), and yet he is still unhappy. So, therefore, his unhappiness cannot be your fault. Voila! MLCer maybe starts to look inward.

That is the LBS’s part of MLC. Being patient and a safe place to land. Our influence also extends to boundaries when they test us and disrespect us. Keep calm and cordial. MLC is not about you, ensure not to make it about you.

Finding and living compassionate indifference. You are doing fine.

D