a new normal

[may22]

But I have to ask some hard questions: do you feel resentful when you have to 'counsel' H through his $hitty choices? Do you feel like you have to put your own needs to the side to be able to help H process his? I say this with no judgement, I am the same type of person and could easily do exactly what you did.

Yes, yes and yes. I've felt this way all along... but I know part of it, especially at first, was me being controlling and also imagining that this was all his fault and if only he was fixed things would be better again. I was reading about Alison regretting so much focus on reading self-help books about his issues and that totally resonated with me. I just looked in the office the other day and there is this shelf of books that I bought and read and gave to H to read, about MLC etc and I totally cringed.

Now, I really think I need to step back, stop projecting my own timeline and thoughts and whatever onto him and just let him do his thing. The other area where I got pretty good back in the crisis space and am not practicing well any more is validating... but also I think this is because I feel this need to be heard myself too, and was tired of hearing my H's version over and over about what happened. He had this very pat story down he had told himself throughout all of this-- SSM, he was broken, met AP and it was all kind of inevitable and traced back to my fault. Plus he opened up this secondary tale about how I controlled all his adult decisions, which is complete BS. Now that he is open to actually questioning/addressing some of this narrative, I just want to poke holes in it all day long. But I think I need to back off and listen more. I'm not sure how to totally address my own feelings and need to be heard without taking over the emotional work or being too controlling.

However, in my own life (major projection here, so take it or leave it), the emotional enabling and 'saving' is partly what brought me to my current situation. I have a completely emotionally incompetent H who thinks it is OK to just step out of the real world to 'go work on himself' while I wait for him to do so. And he thinks this is OK (in part) because I have prioritized his needs over my own; I have enabled him emotionally so he never really has to figure it all out for himself. I have spent so much time saving him, he doesn't even know how to save himself.

This isn't our dynamic so much. H is actually pretty good at recognizing his own emotions and has been much better over the past year plus at addressing them... one thing that is maybe a little backward in our sitch is that he has been in IC now for 1.5 years and I do think it is really helping him. He's also always been really good at dealing with the big difficult things that crop up in life, less good at the little annoyances, but I've always respected his ability to deal with real problems and have actually learned a lot from him in this arena over the years. But the big difference now-- and he said this himself-- is that the problem is one of his own making, not something that just happened. I can see how that makes it all the more difficult to face. It doesn't change, though, his need to work through it on his own, and my need for that to happen authentically as well.

This might be harsh, or even not relevant, but be careful that you don't fall into the same trap of 'wise, May; all-knowing May, 'controlling' May (ie May, who knows my feelings better than I do; even if duh, you do)'. How can you validate while allowing him to figure all of this out on his own? Can you do that? Because from an outsider's perspective, him figuring this out on his own is going to bring the most to your relationship in the end. Can you be present and open and get your questions answered without giving him the answers to his internal struggle?

This is all very relevant to me and where I am right now, and I really do need to work on this. It also dovetails with continuing to release expectations around timelines and what "should" happen, in what order... this is a continual challenge for me.

And regarding intentions that require another person... during the DB process we are taught to focus on ourselves and what we are in control of. But that's not real life; that's survival and coping. Real life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Unless you are a monk living in a cave in the Himalayas, you are going to have to react to real people, feel real emotions and participate in the give and take of relationships (whether with a spouse or a child or a parent or a friend). So it is completely OK to set intentions with another person involved in the outcome.

Good point. I think this is a good and meaningful exercise I should work through. I did this somewhat during crisis mode, and am now realizing that I've let much of my personal intentions slip away (regular yoga/exercise/meditation, though I still haven't really cracked the nut on actual meditation), gained half the weight I lost back-- not that where I was was sustainable, really, but it did feel good and I want to reverse the trend, etc. For my R, I got really good at validating and listening and connecting and trying to create small positive interactions. I feel I've let a lot of that slide and need to pick that practice back up. As I've been thinking about this more recently, my H is very responsive to these small positives and mirrors it all back-- it was one of the big aha! moments I had with all of this process, realizing that an R can be improved starting with just me.

Thanks so much, Sage. I really appreciate your support and thoughts. How are YOU doing?

Curtis, thanks for commenting-- it was interesting to get the perspective of someone who read the thread all through recently and not in real time. After reading your comments, I went back and re-read some sections and was thrown by things that I'm already forgetting or glossing over. I like the idea of setting a date for some movement in our R and then stopping worrying about it until then... I kind of had, like August, after this big trip we were supposed to take (now on hold til next summer) which would also be six months post ending his A. So maybe I just need to relax again, lose my expectations, and re-check in in August to see where we are. I saw that Steve85 did something similar in his own situation as well.

I hope you're hanging in there. I think it was on your page many months ago I remember reading how you felt about your kids and how you didn't understand how your W could walk away from this, and it really resonated with me. I'm rooting for you guys.

FlySolo, I wrote a little on your thread and will write more here because I totally agree about our H's similarities... but need to run for now. Thinking of you.