FWIW, I think this is something he'll have to deal with too, if he ever gets there. And imagine how much harder it must be to reconcile your OWN actions with the person you thought you were...
True, true. I think this has got to be partly why he's put so many blinders up, even to the thing he wanted.
Originally Posted by may22
Maybe you just need to let it go. There are things in this world that just don't make sense. I don't know that it is helpful for you connect your ability to let it/him/yourself go to understanding why. You may never get that. Can you see a path towards just freeing yourself from this place where you are, whether or not you can reconcile his actions to who he is at his core?
This is so hard to hear, but I guess I know it on some level, because as I try to figure x or y out, I keep saying that it's impossible to make sense of. I won't be able to. But it still freaks me out to no end to think the person I was closest to in my life will be forever unrecognizable in this way. We can't even have the "normal" divorce he seemed to be wanting at the very beginning. Can I see a path towards letting go whether or not I can reconcile his actions to who he is/was, whatever? Can't see it now, but would like to! Maybe I am on that path and am just taking another short detour. Maybe it's a series of loops until I straighten out again and am okay with not knowing and not having any closure.
Originally Posted by may22
On the assets and 50/50 split... Maybe as an exercise, challenge yourself on this one to really explore this. What would it look like if you were more separated financially? Whose name is on the lease? Could you work on a budget and financials to figure out how much money you'd need to make to afford your current place on your own, and/or with a roommate? I wonder if you can get to a place where you could ask him to leave, rather than vice versa.
We are both on the lease, and I've tried to get an idea of budgets and scenarios through the months, and it all depends on the spousal support. On the generous end, with my current job, I think it could work, but it wouldn't be easy, and I couldn't afford health insurance. With a roommate, it would be less stressful financially (but g*d I am dying to live alone in this place for a while after all this!). I did offer that he was also free to go if he didn't like it here, after he said that to me during spew-time. He didn't respond. If I straight up asked him to leave, well, first, he'd blow up, but he also just wouldn't do it, as it's become more and more clear he has no intentions to. It would do nothing but make living with him more miserable. Financial separation would mean still living with him too and dividing up bills and rent, but if I do start making more money, I'd want to think about that for sure. The only way I see movement on the living together end right now is if one of us files, and even then that would probably drag on. Am I missing something?
Originally Posted by may22
And getting battered by his narrative of being the bigger person and "letting" you live there must be both so infuriating and devastating.... if you let it. Rather than trying to understand it, can you look at the situation as you would if it were a friend in your place? What would you be counseling them to do?
I think, for the most part, I haven't gotten pretty good at not letting it get to me. But this year anniversary alongside the pandemic has everything bubbling up again. I am hoping this spike is temporary and that my feelings will settle again and I'll find my center and calm and will stop giving a sh*t about his narratives.
What would I counsel a friend to do? I feel like I come back to the whole focus on you, not him thing. Don't waste your energy on him. Right now, he is not a person you want to be married to or living with--like you said. So more of what I've been trying to do all along? I guess I'm just feeling exhausted by him at this point, and it's wearing down my mental reserves. Thanks for the hugs, may. I need them.
