Finding and living compassionate indifference

[may22]

Hi Cardinal,

I feel so much for you right now. I know what you mean-- trying to understand who is this person, how to reconcile their behaviors and attitudes with the person you knew so well that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him. I think this is something we all are dealing with in one way or another. FWIW, I think this is something he'll have to deal with too, if he ever gets there. And imagine how much harder it must be to reconcile your OWN actions with the person you thought you were... I think it might be so difficult that many of them simply never do, they just continue to avoid.

I am having trouble getting over my disbelief that he would say and believe things like this, and that he would feel so strongly that I need to go, and not him, in the first place. The friend says men often get mean once they decide they want a D, and this is H showing who he really is, not the kind man I’ve known for 16+ years. Granted, she has gone through two divorces in which the men were not great. On your thread, there’s been some discussion of seeds planted in a person. I can look back and see poor coping skills in H and unexamined anger, but I don’t see him being a “bad” person or a narcissist or the kind of person who would treat others he once loved like this... I still don’t believe at his core this is who he is. So how do I make sense of it enough to let it go? This is something I am clearly not at peace with and I have to work on it, because it puts me back in the place where my thoughts are filled with H.

Here's what I am thinking right now... and I know it is beyond difficult... but maybe it isn't for you to make sense of before you let it go. Maybe you just need to let it go. There are things in this world that just don't make sense. I don't know that it is helpful for you connect your ability to let it/him/yourself go to understanding why. You may never get that. Can you see a path towards just freeing yourself from this place where you are, whether or not you can reconcile his actions to who he is at his core?

On the assets and 50/50 split... Maybe as an exercise, challenge yourself on this one to really explore this. What would it look like if you were more separated financially? Whose name is on the lease? Could you work on a budget and financials to figure out how much money you'd need to make to afford your current place on your own, and/or with a roommate? I wonder if you can get to a place where you could ask him to leave, rather than vice versa. If you have enough savings, you could potentially dip into your half for some period of time while you got yourself on your feet. And/or, filing for D or legal S could provide for some spousal support.

No matter who your H was, or is at his core, or may be again in the future... he is not that person right now. He is not behaving like someone you want to be married to or living with. Right? It seems from an outside perspective like his presence is not helping you to heal. He takes up a lot of space both physically and mentally for you.

It is OK to be angry and it is OK to be sad, but it feels like you have to suppress those feelings to some extent so that you don't show them to him. And getting battered by his narrative of being the bigger person and "letting" you live there must be both so infuriating and devastating.... if you let it. Rather than trying to understand it, can you look at the situation as you would if it were a friend in your place? What would you be counseling them to do?


(((CARDINAL)))