Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I do hope this first morning of the weekend is smiling upon you. And you smile back.

I've been reflecting on the past to try to make meaning for my present and my future. I know that in some ways none of this matters but I am trying to figure out things about myself, what I did and didn't see, what I allowed, because of my own wounds and feelings of being unworthy of true love from a husband.

It is ok to wonder and reflect upon the past. As HaWho cautioned, do put a hard limit on walking down memory lane, lest you get lost.

It is good to find understanding of our past. To see the lessons, learnings, and discoveries; those are the wisdom that can provide direction and headings for us and our lives. However, it does not bring meaning to our present or future. Our actions do that. Our behaviours. We make our life, present and future, meaningful by walking the path.

“I've been reflecting on the past to try to make meaning for my present and my future.” Do it, don’t try it.

The past is the past. Immutable. Learn from it. Accept it. Forgive it. Do not dwell upon it. And forgive yourself. (((Gerda)))

Your past made you who you are - and I like you! Ok, it’s a bit more than like. Let’s say, I really like you.

Please do work upon your wounds. For you are worthy of love from a husband or man. This, I am very sure of! So, if you feel different, listen to DnJ. Your thoughts will influence your feelings and beliefs. I do hope you heal and get to see yourself like I see you.

I would like to hear more about your dark days sometimes as a way of normalizing all of our dark days.

Dark days are perfectly normal. We are on a path that is incredibly painful. Part of that path is grief and depression. Oh, that can be so very dark.

I was so lost in my darkness. I felt so alone, so unwanted, so unheard, so non-understood. Everything seems to focus inward into yourself. The blackness crushing and pushing, relentlessly, and without mercy.

I, for a time, even worried I was in a midlife crisis. I was in an emotional crisis, betrayed, discarded, and left for dead. But not a MLC. Just PTSD.

I’m not downplaying PTSD, that is a anxiety feedback loop that is just wild. But, MLC is worse. That is something I’ve held on to and considered with my XW. I’ve had a pretty big taste of what I suspect is like her torment; and I could see it and heal from it. One gets a lot of compassion walking in someone’s shoes.

Back to my shoes, and my path. My PTSD had some weird side affects and triggers. I could not stand to wear long sleeves. I just couldn’t. Within minutes I would be breathing hard, heart would be racing, I’d sweat. Man, that was strange.

I also needed silence. I couldn’t stand the TV, or music. For many months I didn’t watch any movies - and I love movies.

For many months I existed within my fight / flight / freeze response. Oh God that was horrible. Such an adrenaline overload. I was sleep deprived and on edge. My body and emotions were still under attack, yet the tiger had left literally month ago. Fight / flight / freeze is for short term survival not for long term. I was three months in full on zombie / survival mode.

I very literally collapsed into bed. I did not go to bed and find peaceful sleep. I found my bed and only escaped due to exhaustion. That would last for 90 minutes. Then the only routine that allowed me to get “back to sleep” - I’d get up, go the bathroom, get a drink, and return to my fitful slumber. Only to repeat this every 90 minutes - the half of the REM cycle. Months and months of not deep healing sleep. Oh, and the nightmares!

I’ve mentioned this before. Three months in, I found forgiveness for XW. A terrible nightmare. XW in h3ll. Suffering for her sins. I bolted awake and right there in the darkness of my bedroom, got out of bed, knelt on the floor and prayed for God to please forgive her. I begged Him to forgive her, for I realized I had. She doesn’t deserve to burn. Ha, such hubris-like feelings - me attempting to sway God. Lol.

I returned to bed and have sleep soundly, and fully, every night since. Every single night! Such is the power of light and forgiveness. Almost divine. I don’t bring that up much; it sounds too arrogant to me. However, I do believe and have been touched by something much greater than I. You once ask me what I meant about humbling myself. This is it. I’ve been blessed, heard the call, and seen the light. And who am I to be worthy of such bounty.

My darkest time was the month before this forgiving moment. Christmas Day. Again, I don’t speak of this very often. I do not glorify it, nor am I ashamed of it. That morning with all my kids and my parents, and all of us opening presents, I paused, went to the kitchen and considered ending things with a knife. The only thing that stop me was fear. That’s it. Fear. Seems funny, me such a proponent of letting go of fear and yet my very existence it owed to it.

I feared missing something vital and then suffering on the floor. I was far too deep in ceaseless pain. I hadn’t joined here, or found anyone who understood or had gone through such an event as what happened during Thanksgiving. It was dark times indeed. I felt alone. Even with everyone around opening presents - alone and non-understood. Depression is horrible.

I write, encourage, post, hopefully inspire, and provide some useful guidance and a beacon to others. I am just one voice among a chorus of survivors and their hard earned wisdom. I describe the path, as best I can, and to the best of my abilities. I found my way out of the darkness and I share it. I am following a light and a voice. I have much peace and serenity in my life.

DnJ