You are correct, you cannot control his narrative. However, does he spell out his entitlement, the whole he is choosing if you stay or go? Or are you filling in the blanks a bit? Either way - stop! Find that mental assertiveness.
I suppose he knows he can’t kick me out anymore than I could kick him out, but it seems he has told people in the past he is waiting for me to leave. Our mutual friend says no one believes this anymore because he talks about the D he wants and then does nothing for a year. But his attitude during his birthday spewing was this is his house, and I’m just living in it. I was able to see our mutual friend last night, first time since lockdown, and since H doesn’t talk about anything with her she was eager to hear how I’d been holding up. I had told her about his yelling when it happened. She said at one point since BD when she questioned why H didn’t leave since he wanted a D and wanted a new life, he said I could go. She asked where I would go, and he said that I could go live with my parents (states away.)
Now, DnJ, I understand you are saying I shouldn’t dwell on things H says. The statements under this theme in particular are like undertows—they pull me out to sea and I get stuck there. For the moment, I am anguished because I can’t understand how H has become so uncaring toward me since BD and so cold—maybe it’s more accurate to say I don’t understand how all of that just seems to increase as time goes on, as if I am actively fighting him (maybe in his view I am by not running away or playing into his apparent fantasy of a D in which he does nothing and owes nothing?). Suddenly it’s right to him that I should have to give up my life here and move in with my parents because he wants a D? It makes me feel sick to think H is feeling this way about me.
I am having trouble getting over my disbelief that he would say and believe things like this, and that he would feel so strongly that I need to go, and not him, in the first place. The friend says men often get mean once they decide they want a D, and this is H showing who he really is, not the kind man I’ve known for 16+ years. Granted, she has gone through two divorces in which the men were not great. On your thread, there’s been some discussion of seeds planted in a person. I can look back and see poor coping skills in H and unexamined anger, but I don’t see him being a “bad” person or a narcissist or the kind of person who would treat others he once loved like this... I still don’t believe at his core this is who he is. So how do I make sense of it enough to let it go? This is something I am clearly not at peace with and I have to work on it, because it puts me back in the place where my thoughts are filled with H.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You are doing fine. Still living with H, no divorce, and a year into it. Be the roommate. Focus on you. H will not respond to normal other relationship solutions, MLC is a different animal. It’s counterintuitive; you are doing the right things.
I sure hope you are right, because I have been questioning whether I am still doing the right things. It is definitely counterintuitive. I so hope acceptance is around the corner.
Dilly, thank you for your empathy here and for sharing your own experience. I have been visiting your thread even though I don’t comment. It seems like you are in a good place in knowing what you want. You have made me think rather than focusing on whether I could be in the same place in another year, I need to focus less on a specific timeline and more on where I want to be, period. I need to spend more time envisioning my future self at peace, happy, doing the things I love to do, etc.
Gerda, thank you for your reminder to keep separating the business side. I do keep in mind that no matter what H thinks he is entitled to, the law says it is only half. Once I find a job that allows me to be more financially independent, I’m not sure what my next move would be, but a more official separation to protect myself financially would probably be in the cards. For now, I am better off keeping things together. We have no crazy list of assets and don’t even own this house—it’s a rental, and others have suggested it makes sense to think I would stay and H would go, as the housing crisis is real here, and our current place is more affordable than anything out there currently. It is one of the things I am sure of, along with not wanting to file myself, that I want to be here taking care of our chickens as I have done for the past several years. I would be able to get a roommate to share the cost of rent, making it even more affordable. A studio now would cost almost as much as this whole house.
But you are right that the finance room seems to be the key to freedom and peace. I think it’s just going to continue to be a bumpy road to get there for the next bit. I love the reminder that I can keep standing from over there if I want, from anywhere. ((Gerda)) Thank you for continuing to share the insights you’ve gained from your difficult road with me.
