Sorry if this post seems like a lot of disjointed rambling. I just needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere.
OK first of all reading that first book was rough. One of the hardest things I think I have ever done. Hearing my W ask for an open marriage and profess caring for someone else was easier and less gut wrenching than reading that god forsaken book. The second book, might actually end up being worth it though. Maybe it will get her to snap out of her limbo and fully commit to staying or fully commit to leaving. At this point, I am OK with either choice. I love my W but have little doubt I could be just fine on my own or even find someone new and be just as happy....possibly happier. Either way, she has the books now and I have to wait for her to read them to have the real convo.
Today was an OK day. We had some good convo throughout the day. We went out for dinner and had a good time. Honestly our completely candid, nothing is taboo, conversations are what I would miss the most if we were to D today. Maybe b/c that is what I get the most of from her.
We also had our 3rd MC session today and I think the MC may end up making this harder. Since the EA is (at least for now) over, the MC is suggesting that we try to touch more. Not like sexual, but like hand holding, or playful flirty touches or something. Not sure really. She is suggesting that I initiate it and that my W allow it as a way to try to remember how we acted in the beginning. As she is saying this, in the back of my mind I am hearing Admiral Ackbar screaming "IT'S A TRAP!!!" Now I feel completely hosed. If I follow the MC advice and the W isn't receptive (as she probably will not be, at least not really), then I make things worse. If I follow DB'ing and distance like I should, then the W can point to me not doing what she heard the MC tell me to do as proof I am not willing to work on things, thus making things worse. AARRRGGGHHH. I feel like I am walking a tightrope with no net on a daily basis. How some of you have dealt with this for years is beyond me. You guys are troopers.
That reminds me, I created a fake Bumble account a week or so ago, just to see what was out there. I have since deleted it since it was getting matches but was completely fake, and I'm not going to catfish anyone (I never contacted or responded to anyone on it). There is a part of me that wants to create a real account, find someone new, then BD the W with D papers, take everything and leave her sticky, broke, and confused.
Yes I am trying to give her a chance to come back, and she does seem like she is trying and slowly coming around. But I am still having a hard time getting past this betrayal and still not sure I want her back and not sure I will ever be able to really trust her again. I am telling her in MC that I want to work this out but while true, it just isn't the whole truth. I like having working it out as an option but she has opened the door to other people. I just can't help but find this somewhat exciting myself. Having been pushed away and rejected for 15 years, the idea of having someone that won't do that, in my life is certainly appealing. Had none of this happened, I would have stayed with her and stayed faithful for life. Having this guilt free "out" though is hard not to consider. She cheated, and at this point NO ONE would blame me for leaving. I could leave and she would be the bad guy. Again not going to make any final decisions until at least the birth of my granddaughter in Sept, but after that if I am not seeing at least some signs of improvement, then all bets are off.
