DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[SteveLW]

I was thinking next week, start a discussion about MC - too soon?
I know we are not on firm ground - I do want to give him space and time to deal with this OW loss. I plan to definitely stay out of that space so that I don't suffer some friendly fire casualties - as he may lash out at me/ blame me for how he is feeling due to her loss. I understand that was an important relationship for him and it was a support for him during his very low times.

WAY TOO SOON. And you shouldn't be starting that. When he is ready he will start a discussion about how to get back to working on the marriage. Any pressure and pursuit on your part will not get you where you want to be.

What I don't want to happen is that the loss and need continue/grow such that he goes back to OW. I want to start to step in and fill that space. Its a tenuous line for sure to straddle - give space, but not too much that he feels lonely and is in want of companionship. He had said multiple times that he was lonely.

You have no control over this. But what I can tell you is that pressure and pursuit NEVER works. He is taking baby steps here. IF (and sorry but it is still a big if right now) he really did end it with OW, that doesn't mean he is now immediately ready to commit back to marriage. This is a common mistake LBSs make. "They ended their PA, now we can start Ring and piecing." It is merely one step in the process.

We have a saying around here, "when they want to come back you will know, when they don't, you will be confused." I am detecting a lot of confustion.

This is a real limbo - I am praying for guidance on how to be right now. There does not seem to be any tension coming from him during our interactions this morning - more from me! I am a pretty anxious person, and him playing California cool just makes me more anxious - and I hate that I stutter when I speak or when he tells me to speak up - I am not even able to 'fake it til you make it'!

I am sure I come off as a loon ... but maybe that puts him at ease that I am nervous... seems to.

Thanks for any advice,
Blue

You are making a common LBS mistake. "He is being nice to me! That means we are good!" and then "Oh, no, he is being mean to me! We have no hope!"

NOTE: That isn't detachment. Detachment is when you are even emotionally no matter what he says or does. I find that overly codependent LBWs find detachment to be extra difficult. Part of it is that they fail to really understand what detachment is and means.

Further, being anxious is fine. This is all hard stuff you are dealing with. If he wants to R then you being anxious or not won't matter! Trust me on that.

But what I do want to caution you on, and I am going to be blunt though LH tried to elude to this in his last response: Just because he says it is over with OW DOESN'T MEAN IT IS! Remember, you are still at a phase where you should be believing NOTHING HE SAYS...and only half of what he does.

Lots of cheating spouses tell their LBSs that they have ended the A. Only to take the A deeper under cover. So how can you be sure he isn't just being manipulatiive? That he is telling you what you want to hear, and then backing it up with "being nice", to throw you off the scent. How do you know he really told her it was over? Or did he tell her "we need to cool it for a while so that the current storm can blow over."? Or did he tell her "hey, we are going to have to change our arrangements, sneaking out at 3am is causing me problems."?

How do you know any of that? You don't. That is why we say, when ever the question comes up "How will I know that the A is REALLY over?" The answer is: When you see consistent behavior over a long period of time.

And a long period of time is not 3 nights. It isn't it one week. It is 3 months MINIMUM. And more like 6-12 months.

One other thing. When my W's EAs ended, both times, she went through a major depression and sadness that last weeks the first time (in 2005) and several days in the most recent (end of 2017). If you do not see him going through a mourning period at having lost his "life raft" I would seriously question if he really sunk it.

Also, if he does go through that mourning period there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to grieve, get it out of his system, and move on. Further, since he is mourning the loss of an OW, not only can't you help him. But you shouldn't be helping him!! Think about it....your H is grieving the loss of his illicit lover, and you want to console him? FORGET THAT NOISE.

I made that mistake in 2005. And it set me up for another BD 12 years later. In my most recent sitch, when the EA ended and she was sad, and lonely and mopey, she was on her own.

Slow down Bluesea. Take a wait and see approach. Remember, fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, SHAME ON YOU. Don't be fooled again.