Finding and living compassionate indifference

[Gerda]

Hi, Cardinal -- You are mixing up two things. One is the scandalized feeling we have because of the betrayal. That PTSD is real and the right response. Your vows have been broken, your heart has been broken. When you feel that pain, comfort yourself. You would be like him if it didn't hurt. You will learn how to weather its ebb and flow. It continues to hammer you here and there, like a virus that is dormant for a little while. That's the cross you have to carry but you will be able to do it.

The other side is the business side of things. You HAVE to cut the emotion out of that.

Go to the default in your state. Is it a 50-50 split of property and debts? A divorce with trial allows you to argue that you should get more.

If you don't want to get more (and I would not recommend it), go to the 50-50. If you don't want to file for divorce (I didn't), then you can do a legal separation or post-nup. Divide everything. He gets the house? Fine, if you don't want it or can't buy him out. But he has to give you your half.

Any debts pre-filing? Fine, you have to split that and he can take it off your share of the equity.

Likewise any other assets, retirement accounts, etc. Even steven. Make a simple list, figure out what is half. Tell him you do not want to divorce and you do want to restore the marriage. But If he is set on a separation and does not want to work on the marriage now, you need to have some peace and stability, so it's time to divide things via legal separation or post nup so that you can live your own life until he either comes back or doesn't.

You can use your share of equity to get a darling little studio or tiny house and FIND SOME PEACE. He can come back to you when he is ready. You can keep standing from over there.

Or you can be like me and do what I did, mixing the two. When I finally stood up for myself, seven years had passed, my kids had witnessed all those years of abuse, I had not seen friends/family in my own home, I was hiding in my room and the PTSD was about fifty million times worse than what you feel now. I am battling it still many hours per day as the divorce is STILL DRAGGING OUT and now he is using broker and lawyer to do his dirty work. I was royally scr%%wed financially and have been battling for two years just to get a normal half rather than what I really deserve for all my work and all the payments I made on mortgage and debt all this time!

Keep your emotions, just put them in that room. The finance room is your key to freedom and peace, even if you don't get what you "deserve." You just need something to get started. You will make it on your own until he comes back or even if he doesn't or even if he does and you don't want him to anymore.