Finding and living compassionate indifference

[dillydaf]

Cardinal: anniversaries are powerful, and it's understandable that they stir things up. For me the 1 year BD anniversary was liberating, I felt like I had survived that whole long, agonising year. I've had ups and downs and moments of detachment and acceptance since then, but also periods of pain, anger and depression. This week I'm feeling a bit under the weather and that always makes me a little self pitying. It would be nice to have someone to care that I feel poorly. But all I can do is look at those feelings of self pity, accept that they are entirely justified and that sadly my H is unavailable for anything other than himself.

This too shall pass. I try to look ahead a couple of years into the future, where I will either be D and happy or I will be with someone else and happy. In the meantime it's up to me to be happy by myself, nobody else is responsible for that. By the time the 2nd anniversary of BD comes around in September I expect to be well on the road to D. Some days I actively welcome that, and that certainly wasn't the case on the 1 year anniversary. Doesn't mean I don't still have moments of longing to still be married though, and for my demon H to come to his senses, sort his crap out and be the H that I deserve. That just seems a whole lot less achievable than it once did. Look forward to the peaks because the troughs don't last forever, 20ish months past BD and there is definitely more stability than in the early days.