Thanks, wooba! Funny, I didn't think I'd feel any differently this week, but the last couple of days, things changed. I haven't been sleeping well, and I've felt more and more sad. You say, Look how far you've come, and I did feel I had come far when I wrote the last post. Now I feel like, wow, it's been a whole year, and I'm still here, as in, still stuck in this weird place with H? I remember maybe in my first thread going through a similar thing, where I suddenly felt I'd made little progress, and DnJ reminded me, yes, it may feel that way, but that doesn't mean it's true. I've noticed I still have some resentment toward H for shifting so drastically what was a pretty stable, fulfilling life of part-time teaching and volunteering to one where I'm stressed I won't be able to afford essentials like health insurance or vet bills or rent. I've noticed I still have some anger... some of these feelings have surfaced in the last few days. (May, if you're reading, I'm still thinking about your post, and was going to reply to it before this wave came!)
I had a session with my IC for the first time since I talked to her after H's April rant. I've been pretty calm and collected in sessions for a while, but I broke down today. She asked, a year ago, after BD, where did I think I would be in a year? I said I didn't think I had clear expectations for myself, but I thought that no matter what was happening with H, I would have a better job and would be able to support myself. That hasn't happened yet. I'm still determined to trust possibilities are out there, but all these articles about the long-term unemployment outlook are getting to me a little.
I know my past self would have thought it was hopeful that H hadn't filed yet, but I don't feel that way now. My past self would never have imagined in a year we'd still be living together and not divorced. He was so adamant he wanted D and couldn't wait, had to make himself happy. But OwnIt, in her first post to me, said so many are all talk and no action. I remember thinking, not my H. How wrong I was!
Like most of these MLCers, it seems, H just seems to drift further and further, and put more and more blame on me, and I'm feeling the weight of it even as I try not to accept it.
My IC ended our session by saying H gets his self-esteem from taking care of others (as long as they don't demand too much from him), and he's able to do this for his new friends, be the nice guy for them while he dehumanizes me at home--either takes his anger out on me or offers me some short convo or friendly gesture, depending on his mood. He doesn't consider my feelings at all, he's compartmentalizing and can't be expected to act rationally, probably depressed, self-medicating, we can only guess. (She's pretty much summing up the board here!)
And the thing that hurt me is something that I guess I already knew, but hearing it from her underlined it again: He doesn't know how to interact with me unless he's taking care of me, and he hasn't been caring for me for a long time. He probably thinks he's taking care of me now by being the nice guy who is "letting" me continue to live here, and can tell himself and his friends he hasn't filed because I don't have a job yet, etc., all convenient reasons he can offer up (it's not him; it's me) to help ensure that he doesn't see himself as "the bad guy," which he's always been touchy about. IC said she doubts anything will change anytime soon, continue focusing on self-care...
I can't control his narratives, but I'm having trouble letting that one go. Why? The entitlement of it gets to me--the assumption that he of course stays, that he somehow controls whether I stay or go--especially because this seems so unlike the H I knew. The way it positions me as less than. The way it says that he's not supporting me because of our long M and longer friendship, because it's the right thing to do, but because he somehow has to be the bigger person, even though I don't deserve it, and tolerate my company, as if I am over here whining and throwing away his money on who knows what. It's a reminder of how far he'll go to justify his actions, shift responsibility, and avoid looking at himself. It's a reminder of how he's changed from the person I knew. I still want to hope that is not a permanent state. Maybe I should be thinking about how he needs that narrative right now, perhaps, because he's also having trouble dealing with his own shame and doubt and he just can't handle it. Is that the compassionate way?
For the first time in a long time, I keep having that sick-to-my-stomach, sad, sort of numb sensation. I totally remember this feeling from the weeks and months just after BD. Grocery shopping and being on the verge of crying, not being able to hold everything together. I'm feeling that again. Maybe it's a little like PTSD, my body remembering, echoes of last summer. It's the year catching up with me, my body reminding me that it's exhausting to live like this. I am very tired, which is in part why this post is long and rambling. But the more worthwhile path--all this introspection and striving to be empathetic and kind, even if it is not recognized as empathy and kindness by H--it's bound to be difficult, right?
A year into this, I think I need to go back to basics: don't think too far ahead. One day at a time.
