Completely lost, where am I?

[TheTexan]

I would point out that taking the RED PILL or the BLUE PILL are not the only choices. There are also many PURPLE PILLS of varying shades--where you don't pretend this didn't happen, and you work together to transform your marriage into something different, assuming you're both willing.

I think you may be right. Our only option is to try and build something completely new with little to no basis in the broken past. The question is can we, and do we really want to.

Again though, I am torn. Part of me wants to try to build something with this woman that I love and have spent 18.5 years with. Then I read threads here like THIS and THIS where people have tried to rebuild and after 4 or even 9 years still ended in the big D. I have already spent/wasted (depending on viewpoint) 18.5 years of my life on this marriage. I don't want to keep rearranging chairs on a ship that's going down. I know it is going to take time before I can even know if it's possible to build something new with this person. I am not planning on making a decision today or even soon. I am just posting where my head is at currently.

Helllllll naw! You white knighted the hell out of her. You aren't her man anymore in her eyes. You had plans. I'd stop answering the phone so much too, especially when you're busy.

You are of course right, but I did have an ulterior motive. I wanted her to see me dressed up more than I had in years, and wearing the cologne that she bought me to go out without her. Weakness? Yeah. D**k move? Yeah. It did seem to make her a bit jealous which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone over there. Which was what I wanted in the first place.

I would recommend leaving for some GAL around 7 PM then and leave her to her lonesome. Screw being around when she is there. I used to go lay under a tree and read for hours during the height of sitch. It's 100 times better than being in the house when she is there.

That is awesome. I never thought about just wasting time doing nothing like that.

Man, that sounds rough. You sound like the gay friend. She's telling you about some other dude she has romantic interest in and she wants to use you as a relief valve for that? What in the name of Jesus is going on here? You had made a whole meal and you put that on hold for this? Man oh man...

Yeah it was pretty bad, but we did eat the meal before going out. Not that it makes this any better. I do know that prior to all of this happening, I would have resisted going out. One of my W's biggest complaints about me was that it took a crane, or setting the house on fire to get me to go anywhere. Which is why I have been trying to be more willing to go places with her when she asks, regardless of the reason. Seriously, I have been working from home for years, and leave the house so rarely that I use maybe 1 tank of gas in my car in 4 months. Sad, I know.

If you said this to her, she used it to justify her behavior and now you are living in the open marriage. Do you really mean this? If so, just get used to your W having OM around and move forward.

As far as the make out situation it sounds like you are pretty worked up right now. It doesn't have to be one or the other of those things. Just calm down for now and you will gain clarity.

But seriously dude, you have to figure out if you're good with the open marriage thing.

No I am absolutely not OK with an open marriage. I had said that quote in the initial BD convo but have corrected that within a day or two after that happened. I told her that I am a good man and good husband and I deserve someone that really loves me and wants to be with me and only me, regardless if that turned out to be her or not.

As mentioned W and OM are completely done at this point, the OM's W has intervened and the OM has now said and done things to my W to ensure it's over. She seems to practically hate him at this point. I am not saying they can't/won't reconcile in the future, but as of right now, it's done.

As far as two options, that may be true but unless I am missing something, there are only two possible outcomes. Outcome 1 we stay together and outcome 2 is we get a divorce. There may be an infinite number of options and paths to take, but they all lead to one of those two places. My current issue is that I have to determine which outcome I actually prefer. I have to decide which one is right for me and gives me the best chance at a happy life that I deserve.

If you aren't, then we need to figure out how you are going to stop giving her only the parts that she wants while you don't get your needs met.

Yes please. With the OM (at least currently) out of the picture. I really have to find the right way to balance distancing and detachment (GALing) with still being there for her as the lighthouse.