There isn't too much to update over the last 10 days I guess. I've been trying to spend time out when I can. Most everyone who knows us now knows what is happening. I dropped off graduation gifts to our cousin and a old friend's of ours sister. As with most people they couldn't even begin to understand why I was there alone. How this could be happening. My wife never spoke to anyone we were both close to about how she was feeling over the years and the few friends she did speak to it was momentary rants about a specific incident. She was honestly never very good at communicating. Maybe that's why these online groups made it so much easier for her to be open. She didn't have to worry about the face to face or the judgment, after all she is in a very specific place made specifically to shelter like minded individuals, everyone there is supportive of everything she wants right now. But that is me just putting my own beliefs into a situation, I can never fully understand what she feels or thinks.
She applied to an apartment a couple days ago. There nothing to suggest that she won't get it. So by next month she will likely be gone. In some ways that is probably for the best but obviously coming home to an even emptier house than before will be hard. I know for sure know that there is someone more serious to her and that there has been since at least the beginning of may. She made plans to meet up with him a least a few times, including one trip out with our little brother and sister but he flaked or they fell through. Which I find kinda messed up since this is just some guy she met in a sex chat that shes never met face to face but thought it was okay to have these kids there. I won't get into the details of how I know I'm sure quite a few of you know the rabbit hole I've been going down the last few months. Im weaning myself off that rabbit hole, I found it was harder to go cold turkey than I thought. It doesn't matter as much anymore though I've more or less found what I was looking for. Now that I know though, now that I see how it isn't just the pure validation and ego boost this started as I feel more calm I guess. I've reached a part where I know I can probably not stop the inevitability of a PA anymore. If that is even what you want to consider it being that our marriage is just a piece of paper and ink at this point. That's not to say i'm past anything or feel any better. Just that I really feel as though I have no other recourse than to let life just play out and hope for the best. That is what I have been being told from the beginning that this was always last resort. If I had been able to handle that better from the start maybe I could have actually made an impression that mattered early on, maybe not who can say. When I told the last group of people why I was alone when I came by I didn't even cry this time, every other time I broke down getting it out.
Of course none of that realization of the present or hope to refocus myself means that the rainstorm of life as become any less. On Saturday I had terrible pain in gut thought I was having a heart attack. It eventually went away and then returned later that night. When I went to my wife legitimately fearful something was wrong, she was of course more annoyed than concerned. Wrote it off as likely just bad heartburn and it did subside shortly after she asked me to leave her room. Something special about the pain you feel when your number one confidant in times of need basically doesn't care if you may be dieing in front of her. The pain was gone until about mid day Sunday. It was much worse this time to the point I could barely concentrate and I thought I was going to vomit from how intense it was. This time she managed to have a little better conversation, still no compassion, and helped me to point out that pain was more under my ribs then in my chest and she decided it was likely a gallbladder attack. She reluctantly took me to the doctors. With all the stuff going on no one in allowed into our offices except for patients so there I was with the worst pain of my life all alone and without even so much of a rub of the shoulder or it'll be alright when I left her. She didn't even stick around in the car. went over to a friends house while I was there. I couldn't resist myself to send a few texts about how it all made me feel. I'm sure that did nothing except maybe more damage but I had to get those emotions out. After a number of hours and weird drives with my wife back and forth to doctors and outpatient centers it was determine to be a gallbladder attack and that I had a decent number of gallstones. I have to surgery sooner rather than later. This will be the first surgery I've ever had and will have to do it without her. That is very hard to accept but I have to. Again I know she basically complained and treated me like a burden to all her new friends. Literally complaining that she was stuck being a chauffeur today. As I said earlier I'll be ending that dark hole I've been in not worth it to see anymore. So life kinda [censored] even more right now, I'm afraid to eat and having a hard time figuring out what I can eat in the meantime. Soon I'll have surgery but still haven't heard from surgeon to make an appointment. Worse of all this may ruin my trip to Vegas next week for our god son's 5th birthday. If nothing else it wont be the same with my new diet restrictions. That was going to be the last big thing as a whole family after that it will likely all flatten out as I settle into the new normal of my life.
Maybe someday there will be a chance for us again but I don't know when if ever. For now all I can do is try to make myself happy and let her do her own thing. I don't talk much to her anymore mostly just hi and bye. We went out to get food last night because I was going anyway and I knew she hadn't eaten so just wanted to be considerate and see if she wanted to get her self something. We spoke a little about work and she told me that she applied to the apartment. Even all of that was because I asked how things were. She doesn't talk to me ever unless shes looking for something. Here's to hoping for the best!
