Pretty intense conversation with IC today. I was talking around the fact that I feel like I can't say what I want to say in my marriage as the outcome is so negative - either silence or conflict - and she asked me to try it out on her - what I wanted to say, what it was I was holding back. It was useful, though I shed lots of tears, and basically amounted to 'this isn't enough for me.'
I'll pick it up next week with her - trying to figure out exactly what would be 'enough' and whether that is a reasonable thing to expect from a partner or something I should be providing to myself, but I know I've had this sort of conversation with her before, and shied away from it. I suspect that it feels easier for me to blame myself, and to think that if only I addressed my childhood issues with more vigour, or gave myself more love and attention through self-care, or reached out to my friends more, then a cold marriage based on practicalities would feel more satisfying, and this gnawing longing I feel for an actual intimate partner would be easier to live with.
I don't think I am going to be able to talk or heal or self care myself out of wanting something that my H is not able or willing to provide. And that's no fault in him - there's I lot I don't like about him, but fundamentally I think I could be happy with an ordinary flawed man who could be honest and open and who wanted my honesty and openness. Equally, I feel sure I could be happy on my own.
What I am struggling with is how much effort it takes to make sure that my longing doesn't show, my frustration about the situation doesn't spill into my speech, and that I go along with the story that H is spinning - that's he's fine, the marriage is fine, and I'm just too needy / damaged / emotional / reliant. I don't really believe that - and I equally don't believe he has any obligation to be or give anything that isn't okay for him.
I know when I go away and have conversations with my friends, do what-ever is passing for GAL in this lockdown, spend happy times with my kids, I just light up. I laugh easily and can give and receive affection and honesty from other people. And when I am in the house with my H, that light goes out. It's just stifling, and disappointing. I don't know how it is for him - I don't see his light anymore and I haven't done for a very long time - if it is in there somewhere, he doesn't show it to me.
Perhaps MC would help, but he's unwilling, and I am weary with dragging him to places he doesn't want to be to have conversations he doesn't want to have. I am starting to think about the world outside my marriage - after lockdown, but now too - where there will be people in my life who are curious about me, and want me to be curious about them. Where I can have that experience of being wanted, and wanting someone who feels my wanting as a compliment and not an irritating demand.
I didn't really expect to go there with the IC today - I feel pretty drained and sad but also that I have a lot of clarity. I am worried I won't have the guts to take action on this. Not that there's a massive amount I can do now though. I will go up to the bedroom and watch a film or read or talk to some friends online, and he will sit downstairs drinking and playing computer games with his headphones on, and he'll either come up after I've gone to sleep, or come up while I'm still awake and try to pick some kind of fight to protect himself against my wanting anything emotional or physical from him. It's like groundhog day - not my life in general - but certainly my marriage. And while a lot of the bad behaviour from him has gone, there's really not that much else left going on between us.
