I'm in a nasty custody battle. In reality it [censored]. But I do feel balanced and prepared for anything, and I can see a way out whereas before I was stuck.
Re: anxiety - I'll share some thoughts sometime soon either on my thread or Core's thread.
Finally, a year after moving out and 6 months after retaining my L, I am getting a little bit of traction. Actually some major traction. I can't reveal much.
I would say it is a huge relief, but I have gotten used to handling things with equanimity especially the last few months. By learning not to be reactive to the nonsense going on in the past, I've also learned to take successes in stride. I feel more content and at peace than I have at any point. I hope it lasts.
It is not enjoyable to go through the legal process, but I feel like I exhausted my other options and handled things in accordance with my values. Some of the things being said in these legal filings are absolutely shocking - just outright lies and fabrications Even 3 months ago I think I would be in an anxious tailspin. Now I accept this is how family law goes, and almost everything that transpires confirms my conviction that I am better off now.
I am really grateful that I found my L. She has delivered every step of the way, and always takes my input into account. It's extremely expensive, and in the end we will likely come to the agreement we should have been able to reach at the kitchen table without lawyers.
I have an offer to transfer to an exciting position within my company -- not sure if I am going to choose to do so right now. I've been exercising a lot - either lifting weights in my garage, or surfing when I can. Life is good.
The lies are shocking in that they say them without compunction and believe them without hesitation. Liars lie and cheaters cheat, that part isn’t too shocking.
You sound so calm and strong. It’s been a long time coming. Congratulations.
Disentangling my situation is a big mess right now. Lots of saber-rattling from STBXW. It is exposing how low she is willing to sink to get her way. It is extremely stressful, but one way or another things will resolve and I am on the path to a happier life.
Had she been willing, I probably would have at some point tried to piece and work on MR2.0. At this point, I am glad that did not happen. Maybe it's grey-colored glasses. I've learned how much I neglected myself during our MR - largely but not entirely due to my own fault - and how I will never allow that to happen again. The only single thing I regret at this point is the impact of D on my children, but I believe
I met my W in my mid-20s. At the time I thought she was meeting my needs, mostly by listening and paying attention to me. I had no clue what I wanted. We shared some common interests. She listened to me. Over time things tilted towards mostly adapting to her desired lifestyle. Maybe it was me allowing it to happen. Maybe she was controlling. I think it was a bit of both. I think back sometimes to red flags from very early in our relationship, things that I would notice now in my wise older age
I'm mostly posting this stuff because I spend time thinking about how I want to live in the present, and going forward: What do I want out of life? What kind of people do I want in my life?
Disentangling my situation is a big mess right now. Lots of saber-rattling from STBXW. It is exposing how low she is willing to sink to get her way. It is extremely stressful, but one way or another things will resolve and I am on the path to a happier life.
Had she been willing, I probably would have at some point tried to piece and work on MR2.0. At this point, I am glad that did not happen. Maybe it's grey-colored glasses. I've learned how much I neglected myself during our MR - largely but not entirely due to my own fault - and how I will never allow that to happen again. The only single thing I regret at this point is the impact of D on my children, but I believe
I met my W in my mid-20s. At the time I thought she was meeting my needs, mostly by listening and paying attention to me. I had no clue what I wanted. We shared some common interests. She listened to me. Over time things tilted towards mostly adapting to her desired lifestyle. Maybe it was me allowing it to happen. Maybe she was controlling. I think it was a bit of both. I think back sometimes to red flags from very early in our relationship, things that I would notice now in my wise older age
I'm mostly posting this stuff because I spend time thinking about how I want to live in the present, and going forward: What do I want out of life? What kind of people do I want in my life?
Hey U -
Good to see you here, man! I am glad that you are feeling more calm and sure of yourself. That goes a long way toward rediscovering who you are. Good for you
It is probably best to not rewrite history. I learned that lesson from my parents' D. Instead - look at all the positives you had as a result of your MR - esp 3 great kids
I am learning a lot about life too, as you are. The biggest thing I have come to realize is this. What happened, happened. It was what it was. It's our attitudes and feelings that determine if it was "good" or "bad". It's incredible to think about how our attitudes about the past change from time to time, our memories fluctuate and shift all the time, but the situation itself is always, well - neutral. It's part of life, I guess.
Anyway - don't forget how long WAS timelines are. Maybe in 4 or 5 years W will wake up and realize what she no longer has. Or maybe not. It's impossible to predict the future. I am already approaching year 4 total of W's "crisis". When they say these things are marathons, they mean it.
Keep yourself even and steady as you have been. You're doing great, man
Things that have happened in the past few months, which I haven’t posted about much for anonymity’s sake, have cemented that I am completely done. I may forgive but I will never forget.
Everyone here has a different tolerance level for the WAS I guess. I don’t think of it in terms of how long it might take for them to turn around. I just came around to the idea that I deserve happiness. Living under a microscope where my WAW is just waiting for something to happen so she can take the kids away - that’s not tolerable for me. We had something pretty good when we were younger, it gradually eroded. My W has never been one to take responsibility for her part in relationship conflict, whether with me, her family, friends, colleagues. I guess she may change at some point. I’m not waiting around. Yes, DB preaches patience and equanimity. It also preaches self-respect and self-care. I calmly reached the point where I realized, to my core, that I needed to secure my future with my children, and move on 100%. This process is difficult, but had I not initiated it, I would still be stuck in limbo. I realized I was trying too hard to be some super-Zen patient monk, rather than just try to be happy day to day. It’s a fine line... when do you move on? How long do you stay patient while life goes by? It’s different for everyone. It takes time for a WAS to turn back towards the MR. or it may never happen?
Put simply, I called her bluff after a year of hoping things could shift towards at least an amicable D. And she proved me right by showing she was planning to take them away all along. There will be no R and I am 1000% okay with that! I am at peace.
unchien Followed you from the beginning, have just spent a couple of hours skimming back over your threads. What a paradigm shift, your growth has been monumental. Your, new U, strength will see you through this. The light at the end of the tunnel will continue to get brighter and brighter. Your future is you and you have got this. Keep on keeping on.
