DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[SteveLW]

Bluesea, when he is talking remember: Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does! I like that you challenged him on action to back up his words, that was good. He needs to know that this gaslighting isn't going to work. And yes, I believe he is in the initial stages of gaslighting you. If you are unfamiliar with gaslighting, look it up.

-I have little hope that he will break it off with her, he considers her a life raft.

I need to challenge you on this because this is something that is difficult for most LBSs because it is their S. But this is why WSs use gaslighting and "talk" a big game. She isn't his life raft. YOU ARE. She is his Plan A right now. But that plan hasn't solidified yet. Maybe she is still living with a LBH? Or is living with a BF she is cheating on? Or she has kids and doesn't want to introduce a man into their lives until she is sure he is there for more than the side action he is getting? Whatever, he is boarding her ship..........and he wants you there hanging from the ropes at the side as his life raft.

Being someone's Plan B, especially someone we've been married to for a long time, is a icky place to be. I know I hated it when I was going through it. But the fact is that he sees her as his new ship, and you as the life raft in case this new ship hits an iceberg.

And without her he worries that he would just jump into mine out of need, not want. And he does not want to be back in this state in 2-3 years.
- WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heck no, I do not want to do this again in a couple years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why you cannot allow him to just waltz right back into the MR. Even if he breaks it off you need to have a plan ready of what you need from him. Things like complete openness and transparency with everything in his life: where he is, what he's doing on his phone, etc. Include IC and MC as stipulations for a return to the MR. If you do not require him to do hard work and earn his way back, then yes you are setting yourself up for the same thing again at some point down the line.

....This is what I wanted, right? him back, no OW. (Lets assume he is even able to drop her) ... for whatever reason now I am full of fear and anxiety about that path and I have no idea why!!!

This is good. As someone that is in Ring and piecing for over 2 years now, trust me when I say this is the harder of the two options! Separating and divorcing is a cake-walk compared to reconciling and piecing.....IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. It is a lot of hard work for both you and him. And there will be times you question why you ever wanted it. So I think a healthy fear and anxiety over what comes next IF he is willing to fully commit back to the MR is a good thing.

Still have the 'ask to leave' request on the deck but now thinking will give him the 2 weeks and see if he can drop her - that would clearly mean something - if it can be backed up with no more night runs.

I think this is a good plan. After 2 weeks, when he is still slinking out of the house like the cowardly snake that he is, I think asking him to leave will be more than appropriate.