Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

May, Sage thank you for your thoughts. You gave me a lot to think about last week. So what's been happening since I last posted a week ago? H had told me several times ILY - but I hadnt been able to reciprocate. It didnt feel right - it felt like I would have been saying it because he had said it first. I'm so glad I was able to shake off the pressure to respond in kind. Since then H has stopped saying it. This confused me a little and by the end of the week I felt like he had stopped making an effort, but perhaps he recognised that it was pressure for me. Fri night he stayed over and we spent all Saturday togther, doing stuff in the garden, trip to the garden centre (where he bought plants for our garden and new bird feeders ). It's been very relaxed.

In your situation, your H did leave and pulled that major trigger, so I feel like you actually have more control over the situation than I did in terms of navigating him coming back. (I know that was a choice on my part.) So I guess I am just suggesting you take the time to really unpack what you want in an H and what you need to see from him in order to feel secure that his shift is real and not temporary. The work of piecing is difficult for both of you, they'll be ups and downs, and he's got to be personally just as committed to the end goal as you.

We havent had any R talks, except one mini-discussion on Saturday where I asked if he still felt the same as the previous week and he said yes for sure, although also said he fully understood that just because he knows what he wants, it doesnt mean I know if I want him back or am ready for him to come home. I said I need to feel that he's really into me, that he really wants me. He seemed to go the extra mile on Saturday with being extremely tactile, hugging me, holding my hand, kissing me etc. I think I am giving off good vibes about wanting to be with him, and the conversations - especially from him - assume a future together (places we would go, things we would do in the house).

I dont feel inclined to push a R talk. At the moment we seem to be enjoying each other's company, and I dont think either of us feel the need to rush things. I do worry if I'm brushing stuff under the carpet (like what's happened with EAP recently), and I wonder if we should be having more serious conversations about "us". I guess I'm trying to weigh up how and when I communicate to him what I want in a husband. Sage, I havent written a list but it a good idea. I know there are things that would need to change - I just dont feel like now is the time to go to him with a 'husband wish list', but undoubtedly there are things that I know we would need to discuss, especially around his work (although thatn is not so much of an issue right now and wont be for some time so I dont feel I need to hurry this one along).

What would you be doing if you were me? Would you be having these deeper conversations or just spend these initial few weeks rebuilding some trust, connection and intimacy ?

One thing that I would request from my H if we were to ever to get to the point you are at is to woo me (good first step with those lovely flowers from your H, BTW). Date me. Convince me that you are truly the one for me. If this is really M 2.0, then why lose the opportunity for the limerence, the flirting, the sexual tension, the heady 'I might be falling in love' feelings? This is an upside to an actual physical S, you have separate spaces and can date again. There is nothing better than a great date night where you go to separate beds thinking about each other and what you want to do to them the next time you see them, right

There has definitely been some chemistry and leaving things on a passionate kiss, going home to separate houses. I stayed over at his last night and things do feel better. Unfortunately *that* has been off the agenda as H is on some pretty strong neural pain blockers for a back injury with some unwanted side effects affecting certain body parts! However, he has talked about wanting to *show* me how he feels about me in that way - we're talking about sex and wanting to get that side of things back on track which is a real positive for me. I just crack up everytime I think of this, but Wayfarer once said that her H looked at her as if she was a minotaur with boobs - and that's how I had felt in front of my H for the last year!!