Man, May, you are so wise and present and lucid right now. The conversation with H must have been SO hard internally, but you did so beautifully in it all. But I have to ask some hard questions: do you feel resentful when you have to 'counsel' H through his $hitty choices? Do you feel like you have to put your own needs to the side to be able to help H process his? I say this with no judgement, I am the same type of person and could easily do exactly what you did.
However, in my own life (major projection here, so take it or leave it), the emotional enabling and 'saving' is partly what brought me to my current situation. I have a completely emotionally incompetent H who thinks it is OK to just step out of the real world to 'go work on himself' while I wait for him to do so. And he thinks this is OK (in part) because I have prioritized his needs over my own; I have enabled him emotionally so he never really has to figure it all out for himself. I have spent so much time saving him, he doesn't even know how to save himself.
This might be harsh, or even not relevant, but be careful that you don't fall into the same trap of 'wise, May; all-knowing May, 'controlling' May (ie May, who knows my feelings better than I do; even if duh, you do)'. How can you validate while allowing him to figure all of this out on his own? Can you do that? Because from an outsider's perspective, him figuring this out on his own is going to bring the most to your relationship in the end. Can you be present and open and get your questions answered without giving him the answers to his internal struggle? Because in hindsight, I would have allowed my H to struggle A LOT more than he had to. I don't think we would be in this sitch if I had.
On the other half of your update, I definitely think that you should be optimistic about the signs you are seeing in your R. All of the things you are mentioning are more than 'guilt ridden' responses, but truly empathetic and something one does for someone they care deeply about. A long hug? YES. Ownership of (at least part of) his side of the street? YES. Not sweeping it under the rug. Biggest YES. It sounds like you are really moving in the right direction, girl. I am so happy for you!
And regarding intentions that require another person... during the DB process we are taught to focus on ourselves and what we are in control of. But that's not real life; that's survival and coping. Real life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Unless you are a monk living in a cave in the Himalayas, you are going to have to react to real people, feel real emotions and participate in the give and take of relationships (whether with a spouse or a child or a parent or a friend). So it is completely OK to set intentions with another person involved in the outcome. Of course, there are intentions we set that are purely for ourselves (goals about career, personal development, etc). But a lot of my recent intentions are about my children, my future relationship and where I will be with all of them. So go for it. Dream your best R and write it out. In the present tense.
You are amazing, keep up the wise self reflection and ignore any 2x4's of mine that don't resonate.
