Seperated but holding on for reconciliation

[JoeDredd]

W can file for D after 12 months separation, which would be mid-June. W has agreed to hold off for a couple of weeks as my 50th birthday is at the end of the month.

She has agreed. Does that mean you asked her to hold off?

Yes. When W told me in mid May that she didn't want to reconcile and would go for D, I asked when. She said she didn't know. (The way she is moving, I'm sure she meant sooner rather than later.) I don't know how long these things take, or what goes on while they're underway, so I asked her if she could hold off until after my birthday. It would be pretty miserable if some part of the D happened or turned up on my birthday.

W was angry about the calculation.

That's a typical reaction. They don't anticipate paying an equal amount.

There's so much information on here I forget where it all comes from, but I remember that I can't 'nice' her back (which I think is from Steve85) and also about the need to earn W's respect by standing up for myself. I have felt like going back and checking she is okay with it and seeing if she needs additional financial help, but that's the wrong move, right?

She is going to be illogical and paint you as the bad guy, to give herself justification.

Yes, it really feels like she is fueling the fire by remembering ever single thing she can.

I want you to see how this is all part of the mindset of a WW. Her wayward foundation begins with resentment. She never let go of this incident. Carrying it around for 20 yrs? That's on her.

I have mellowed a lot but in my 20s I had a very quick temper. I'd get cross about something, be very hot and angry about it, but the anger would all subside within 10 - 20 seconds and I'd be left feeling foolish and embarassed for getting so upset about <whatever>. I'd pretty much always end up apologising and giving in on things. W on the other hand could get mad about something and stay cross about it for a long time. So, to me, it always seemed we'd have these arguments, both would get cross but I'd end up saying sorry. It felt like I never won a single argument. I can remember thinking several times "It's just not possible that I could be wrong 100% of the time!"

I had that thought in mind at the time the incident about where we were meeting blew up. I was certain we'd said we'd meet at the car, and thought I'm not going to back down this time, so I really stuck to my guns. For a long time I thought of it as the only argument we'd ever had that I'd 'won', and then I forgot about it. It took me by surprise to discover W is still upset about it. If I'd known it would bother her so much, it certainly wouldn't have been the hill I chose to die on.

The other relevant fact is that W's mother was with us that day. When we all found each other, after me waiting at the car for thirty minutes and them waiting for the same amount of time somewhere else, we had the "Where have you been? We said we'd meet at X" conversation and turned to MIL for confirmation. I could see by MIL's eyes that she had no idea where we had agreed to meet, but she automatically backed up W. So MIL was a witness to this argument and W had a second voice saying she was right. And stupidly, I stuck to my guns.

Can you see how illogical you WW is? On one hand, she doesn't want to be responsible for paying her equal share of bills, and she still holds old resentment against you........while and on the other hand, she wants to continue being included in family celebrations. I mean, she wants a D, so why be involved with planning your birthday? We see this a lot on the board.

I got the impression she was doing it for my sake, or the kids. She talked about how we can't do much because of the covid 19 lockdown restrictions, but that she was going to really push the boat out when she turns 50. It was definitely a "Plans not involving Joe" comment.

W told Mum that when she had problems my response was to try and solve the situation and get her to "pick herself up". W felt she could not discuss things with me so stopped bothering. (Yes - must master validation.)

From what I've gathered, it's a common male response. Women want to be heard. If she asks for a solution, then give your opinion. Otherwise, a husband should listen, give eye contact, and nod his head. smile

True. This is something I've only learned since BD. It's another one of those gender differences that show we are being good to each other but it doesn't get through. The way we go about it is mistaken but the intention and love are still there. There's a great video on YT called "It's Not About the Nail" on this which is a quick watch. I tried to share the insight with W a couple of times (in 2018, before I was on the forum) but it didn't make any difference. It just shows how important it is to validate.

Another gender difference insight I learned was that the way W communicated her concerns to me felt like (but weren't) attacks, which activated my (heightened, male) fight-or-flight response. Instead of looking for the concern to address inside the message, the way it was communicated stopped me from really hearing her (hence the 'surprise' of BD). I started working on this before W moved out but it's another thing I really wish I'd known years ago.

My niece stayed with W last September, while she was doing work experience in our area. I had to tell her about the separation before she came so she knew the situation and could choose where to stay. We had a good discussion about marriage and married life and I was able to share with her all the things I'd learned.

I would not wish this situation on anyone. This is worse than the agony I went through when my Dad battled and lost to cancer over several years. I will certainly do my best to be an advocate for marriage, as MWD says, any chance I get.