Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[SteveLW]

wooba,

This is from Bluesea's thread. she found this quote from Bluwave. Bluwave really helped LBWs here and I wish she'd come back. Anyway, this is what I am talking about in my previous response:

What I wish I could have also done differently and what I tell people here is to LET THEM GO. It's so simple it's hard to understand. When a person hurts us and rejects us, we cannot be nice, be friendly, and hope they will love us again. We can and should tell ourselves that we are worthy of more, we deserve better, and go dark. They do not deserve our attention, to see us weak, or to know our thoughts and feelings.

It wasnt until I let go of H and started to see a life without him that he realized what he was losing. It took me 10 months to hold my head up, let him go, and show the world I deserve better than this fool! No one wants a needy, sad, or weak person. No one wants someone angry or raging at them. No one is attracted to someone waiting for them as they are actively rejecting them. Again, so simple it's hard to understand.

Hold your head up high. Go dark. Let him go. And you take that time to take care of number one. You are number one. If sees over time that you are a beautiful and strong woman that is too good for him, then he can maybe prove to you that he deserves another chance. Maybe.

[wooba]

I was just reading this on another thread!:) Thank you for taking the time to repost it here.

I understand your point. I am not trying to nice him back. I am just beginning to find that I am happier when I choose to be kind and friendly when we do cross paths. I feel safe to be both now.

[cardinal]

I was upbeat and smiley before, but I felt like H took advantage of that so I had to set a boundary. and then there was all this gaslighting from H, and I did not want to engage him. That's when my gray rock formed. Maybe like cardinal said, it was kinda like a defense mechanism. And partly because I had lost hope.

I identify with the way you’ve broken down these shifts, wooba. I’m thinking—for me—can gray rock be just not engaging when we need boundaries, but when engaged, being free to be upbeat? I wrote that question and then read your last reply. It seems like this is one way of enacting compassionate indifference and a new phase of detachment. You are finding what works for you, not for him. You are finding it feels better to be kind and friendly when you do interact, and it no longer feels like doing so is giving up something for you, or putting your boundaries at risk. Is that accurate? You’ve reached a place where you can both feel like you’re protecting yourself and are safe to be friendly in interactions. This feels to me like a place of great strength.

My idea of good energy is like what Sage said, envision my intention (which I'm still trying to identify - something along the lines of compassionate indifference but I'd like something more concrete) and just sit with it.

I’d love to hear more about how you begin to make this intention more concrete as you figure it out!

[may22]

Hi Wooba,

I wholly believe that setting forth your vision and speaking it aloud has impact.

And during that conversation, I really looked at him. I looked at this man in a way that I have not in many months. Tears did not fill my eyes. Resentment did not fill my heart. There was no sorrow, no pain, no regret. It was an out of body experience, like I was seeing him in a different dimension. Knowing all the sh1t he's put me through, and anticipating all the possibilities he's done me wrong, I truly let it all go in those few seconds.

This is wonderful. I have had this same experience and I think it is so freeing.

I guess the Q I'm asking myself is - if I direct good energy into our relationship now, will it ultimately push us to the right route together? Even if I know it's all probably just wishful thinking? Maybe this will just have to be another experiment....

Here's what I think. I think that the interaction you describe is great. The arm touch did not sound like pressure to me. It sounded like you were happy, at peace with yourself, not needing to punish or be intentionally cold to your H, because he doesn't have that control over you. You are you, kind, compassionate, joyful Wooba talking about her son's birthday with his father. To me, what you were doing in that moment was 100% authentic DB-ing. You were happy for you, as cardinal said that joy spilled over for him, but was not directed at him, nor did you have any underlying motives or expectations about what your actions might elicit in him. If you can hold that space, I think it is exactly where you want to be.

I think the reason that the vets often advise against this kind of action is that it is really quite difficult to be and stay in that space. It might look from the outside like pursuit or nice-ing him back. But I also hear the vets say and wholeheartedly believe that the LBSs can smell the desperation and manipulation a mile away. So if you did exactly what you did, but with the secret wish that he'd see how great you were and want back in-- that would not be DB-ing. But if you do it fully in the place of being happy and fulfilled for yourself and not caring if he likes it or not, but not having the negative energy within yourself to be cold-- that is a totally different story and I think he can sense the difference. If you go back to the skittish cat and picnic analogy, he's seeing up close how great that picnic is. I'd just keep it light and neutral and be really careful not to overdo it.

The only problem I have with your question above is ... will it ultimately push us to the right route together?... I think the key is to be true to yourself. And maybe, if you can define "the right route" broadly enough, it is OK-- meaning, he is the father of your children and you'll always have to have a R with him, M or not-- so if you're OK with the "right route" eventually maybe meaning you're friends and terrific co-parents but no longer together, then I think it is OK. But if you saw the impact of that interaction and now think it might be a good way to nudge him along in a direction you want to go, I think it maybe stops working.

Like WF, I also have struggled with feeling like folks on this board disapproved of my actions when I was too nice and friendly with my H. But, like WF, my H was so attuned to the way I was feeling-- when we were in the hardest space, sometimes just a small kindness or smile or relaxed evening with the kids where we put it all on the shelf for a night was reflected back at me. Remember, your H is a human being too, one who has been desperately hurting and is trying to work through his depression and this enormous thing he's started in motion without any of the coping mechanisms or emotional maturity that you have. I just don't think that being nice without expectations is a bad thing in your situation, as long as you are truly in that neutral place where you aren't hurting anymore, and he can't hurt you with his responses or lack thereof.

Hope this makes sense... I know I'm rambling. But I feel really positive about where you are.

[wooba]

on the days when I feel absolutely exhausted and beaten down from being the sole carrier of parental responsibilities - I try reallllllllly hard to be extra aware of all my negative feelings.

We had a busy weekend and all three kids had something going on in different places which required some traveling, it was an ordeal trying to figure out how to shuffle the kids around by myself. I had thought about not asking H for help in the beginning, then I thought I'd ask him anyway - give him an opportunity to spend time with the kids and it would be the best case scenario for me if he could help. But ultimately he declined so I had to enlist help from my parents. Thank god for family who will back you up.

And last night I bumped heads with S11. Gosh I foresee a lot of these to come as they turn into teens. S was crying, yelling, and losing it. and you know what? I'm so glad that I have an overly abundance of patience and endurance and the ability to step out of a hostile situation and calm myself down before I say things I'd regret.

I also recognized that there was a bit of resentment for H that was peeking out because I was thinking "why do I have to deal with this all by myself???!!!" But that's not the direction I want to go. I am fully aware that I can only count on myself to be the capable parent and no one else. I don't want to blame H for his absence.

but it was still exhausting. ugh. little people with big emotions. and I've got three of them.

In the end S11 and I were able to hug it out. I told him that it's easy to be angry, it's easy to hurt people, it's easy to destroy. It's easy to run away. It's easy to shut down. But it's hard to do the right thing. It is hard to check yourself when you're angry. It's hard to stay and work through your emotions. I shared with him a quote I read recently - I forgot the exact quote but it goes something like this: "The easy way is usually the wrong way. The right way is usually the more difficult one. knowing that, why would you waste a second of your breath going down the wrong way?"

oh yes, I guess I am on the difficult path because parenting is so challenging!!

[may22]

I know I've said it before and I'll say it again-- you are such a good mom, Wooba. Man. Those three are really lucky to have you.

[Sage4]

Oh, Wooba.

Parenting in the midst of a marital crisis is the hardest thing I have ever done. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. I have a son same age as yours and am dealing with some anger and outbursts that make me so angry at H and how his decisions are adding to an already-full plate of pre-adolescent emotions in our son. But, like you, I have to put that anger aside and put on my best face (which isn't always possible), plug into my higher self and be the best, wisest mom I can. Day after day after exhausting day. Family to lean on is a godsend, we both are so lucky to have that.

Growing up, there was a trio of amazing, well-adjusted kids that were raised by a single mom. The kids were popular and kind and smart and everyone loved them, peers and adults. When I am at my worst, I think of that family, and how hard it must have been at times for the mom, and what a great job she did with her kids. That it is possible. To raise such great humans. I'm sure the mom wasn't perfect, I am sure she had her days, but it was probably just those small, singular acts of courage, patience and wisdom that made those kids the way they were.

We can do this. You already are.

(((hugs))))

[wooba]

Thank you may & Sage. Sage, thank you for that story about the single mom. Few days ago I went out with some close friends (who don't know about my sitch), and one friend was talking about a young celebrity and commented that "she came from a single-parent family, so of course she grew up to by dysfunctional." Ouch. That stung me a bit. And that's my fear of laying my sitch out in the open - not how people perceive me, but how people would talk about my children. Would my children be perceived as "less than" because they come from a broken family? Gosh, I don't even like using the term "broken family" because I know some M are inherently broken even thought they remain in the M.

H is still the same. He'll show up for a few hours, then he will say "I have to go." He said he's been waking up at 3, 4 am everyday. and yup, taking sips from his whiskey bottle that he puts in his backpack. no more R/D/money talk lately. I've been friendly.

recently I recalled in the beginning of our sitch he told me, "You deserve better." At the time I started crying when he said this to me, because I felt that his perception of self-worth is so low that it was heartbreaking. Now I think back to that moment, and I'd like to say to him "You are right, I do deserve better."

So coming here feels a bit paradoxical to me lately. Do I still want to save my M? For now I am giving the M an arbitrary deadline of when my lease is up again next year. I'd like to move closer to school. I'd like my own space.

Well obviously my "positive envisioning" of the future did not last long. lol. I do not foresee any future with him if he's still his broken self. I wish him well.

[wooba]

I visited my in-laws for the first time today after news broke. Frankly I’ve been so busy dealing with life with three kids on my own that I just haven’t been able to push myself to visit them and have the difficult conversation. It was a nice visit. My in laws are good people.

And then H texted me at night:
“Mom said you visited. Don't understand why you wouldn't tell me y'all are going to [name of town].”

When I first saw the text notification with the beginning of the sentence, I actually thought he would thank me for taking the kids to visit his parents. Turns out I was so wrong lol. There he goes again. Always playing the victim.

I’m not going to respond to his text.

If he brings it up next time in person, what’s a good way to respond?

“Why would I need to tell you?”
“You seem upset, I don’t understand why it upsets you.”
“It’s none of your business.”

[SteveLW]

I visited my in-laws for the first time today after news broke. Frankly I’ve been so busy dealing with life with three kids on my own that I just haven’t been able to push myself to visit them and have the difficult conversation. It was a nice visit. My in laws are good people.

And then H texted me at night:
“Mom said you visited. Don't understand why you wouldn't tell me y'all are going to [name of town].”

When I first saw the text notification with the beginning of the sentence, I actually thought he would thank me for taking the kids to visit his parents. Turns out I was so wrong lol. There he goes again. Always playing the victim.

I’m not going to respond to his text.

If he brings it up next time in person, what’s a good way to respond?

“Why would I need to tell you?”
“You seem upset, I don’t understand why it upsets you.”
“It’s none of your business.”

Listen. And validate.

"I understand you were upset that you weren't informed."

Notice, you are not agreeing he should be upset. You are not agreeing to tell him in the future. You are merely acknowledging that he was upset.

If he pushes you to agree to inform him, simply deflect. "I'll have to think about how I want to handle this in the future."