Now that W has made her decision, she is really going hard down that path. W is methodically working through separating the bank account, credit card, health insurance, etc. Even the password to our supermarket rewards card has changed.
W can file for D after 12 months separation, which would be mid-June. W has agreed to hold off for a couple of weeks as my 50th birthday is at the end of the month.
W is not entitled to any maintenance as we are taking weekly turns looking after the kids. We talked about how we would pay expenses like school fees, uniforms, shoes for the kids etc. W suggested she give me 20% of her salary and I pay the difference. I let her know I couldn't agree to that on the spot. I got all our credit card and bank account spending details for 12 months and did an analysis, which I shared with her. To cover things equally would mean she would have to give me 46% of her salary. I e-mailed the details to W with a note explaining this was just the starting point so we could have a proper discussion. I assumed she'd look at it and make a counter-proposal. To me, the difference between a 50/50 split and what she can afford to contribute would be a kind of maintenance.
W was angry about the calculation. I explained again that the calculation was so we could both see what our actual expenses were and determine what was fair. W said she would make sure she paid her 46%, though directly wherever possible and not to me. She kept saying how I've "had the use of her money" for the year since she moved out. I didn't understand this, as both our pays have gone into the joint account and been used for all our expenses (mortgage, groceries, health insurance, etc). W feels that because I had put some of my salary in a savings account, whereas she had no savings, that I was taking something of hers. The fact that I had more than matched her salary in paying off the bills, and I'd paid extra on the mortgage, and that I didn't see the savings account as particularly my own, didn't seem to matter.
We talked about where we stand on D as Christians. W said that I had broken our wedding vows so it was okay for her to D me. Suprised, I asked how I had broken our vows. She said that I had been an "emotional abuser". I am not really sure what she is talking about but here again seems another reason (along with neglected, not priority) that hadn't come up before. I can only think W is talking about how we would argue. I'd always try to find out how things fit together ("You said X but you did Y") where as W was always trying to shut things down.
I suspect the "emotional abuser" tag has come from MIL. She is always reading up on things like NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique - aka "Tapping") and various (pseudo?) medical and psychology books etc.
One of the worrying things coming out of the discussion with W was the number of extremely old past hurts that are obviously still fresh and hurtful in W's mind. She is still angry about an argument we had over 20 years ago when we split up at the shopping centre and both separately waited to catch up at different meeting points. (I was positive we'd agreed to meet at the car, W was sure we'd agreed to meet somewhere like the food court.)
My Mum called me yesterday to say W had called her to discuss doing something for my birthday. Mum can't travel or have more than five people in her house because of the lockdown restrictions. We share the same birthday, so catching up with her would be great.
Mum said she asked W if there was any chance of us getting back together and W said no. W said she has spent the last year trying to heal herself, and that my long working hours weren't the main problem in our relationship. W told Mum that when she had problems my response was to try and solve the situation and get her to "pick herself up". W felt she could not discuss things with me so stopped bothering. (Yes - must master validation.)
As for me, I have avoided contacting W where possible. We've seen each other a few extra times - the school has called us in twice to meetings about S15, and the kids insisted we all celebrate the dog's birthday (don't ask!!). I am busy with work during the day. It's good when the kids are with me but pretty lonely when they're not, especially at night now it's cold and gets darker sooner. I've lost 6kg over the course of the last three weeks, partly through intermittent fasting but about 3kg directly after W told me her decision to D as I couldn't sleep or face food for a couple of days. I spent part of today replacing the mesh in one of the flyscreen doors that has been shredded in part by the dog. The lockdown restrictions are easing here. The lockdown restrictions have eased somewhat, which means our church can hold weekly prayer meetings again. I intend to go on Wednesday. It will be nice to see some real people. I need to get myself to bed earlier.
