Feeling like H is really trying my patience lately. Part of it may be I'm just getting on his nerves since he's been around me so much since the quarantine situation. I need to work on withdrawing from him in our house and spending more time alone. The other night instead of watching TV after dinner as we usually do, I sat outside by myself with a glass of wine. He comes out after 10 minutes to join me, which surprised me.
H was irritable this weekend. He has alot of pet peeves but everything I did seemed to be getting on his nerves. I accidentally dropped a can of bug spray (no harm done, just a clumsy move) and he got irrationally angry with me. I questioned how he could honestly be so angry if it just was a harmless clumsy move. He had a few instances of that over the weekend and I even made a comment that he's been more crotchety as he's gotten older (as compared to when we were dating/early in our M when he was more laid back and sweet) to which he said, that he feels like he's just being more honest with his feelings lately. This probably isn't very notable in my DB situation, but did make me add another pro on the side of us separating, so I don't have to deal with him getting annoyed with me for the littlest things.
I feel like we are still stuck in some sort of limbo. H continues to sleep on the couch in our study with some old pillows and a sleeping bag. I'd respect him more if he used actual bed linens or even bought a real bed and turned it into another bedroom. He hasn't made any comments the last few months about moving out, but does refer/insinuate that I will be living on my own in the future. I had to bring up the future in regards to a childcare issue and he starts asking me about when *I* want to sell our house and if I want to downsize.
I did previously question if it would be wise or not to ask him when he would be moving out, but I ultimately decided this felt like pressure, so have not asked.
I feel myself really struggling not being able to picture the future. I've been mentally preparing myself to be on my own as my D gets older and trying to picture how my day to day would be. I know that when/if H leaves me, I'll be okay, and life will go on. I just sometimes can't see how that would not be a step backwards for me. I try to focus on the benefits of not living with H, such as not having to worry about all of his pet peeves and being able to make financial decisions on my own.
