Yes. I went through the same thing about 6 months into Ring and piecing. I got to where I wanted to walk away myself. I gave it weeks before I acted on it, and that is what I would suggest you do. These kinds of feelings come and go. Give yourself time. "If I still feel this way 3 months from now then I will hire a lawyer and start the process."
I have a question though. When you first met your W, did you immediately trust her? Or did she have to earn your trust over time? I am not a "trust out of the gate" person. Whether it is a new friend, the SO of a friend or family, a new boss, employee, etc. I am distrustful until that person earns my trust. I don't think you trusted your W the day you met her. Over time she earned it. And that is back to where you are now. You rightfully do not trust her anymore, but can you trust here again in the future if she is consistent in her behavior over a long period of time?
Last edited by Steve85; 06/04/2002:37 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes. I went through the same thing about 6 months into Ring and piecing. I got to where I wanted to walk away myself. I gave it weeks before I acted on it, and that is what I would suggest you do. These kinds of feelings come and go. Give yourself time. "If I still feel this way 3 months from now then I will hire a lawyer and start the process."
I have a question though. When you first met your W, did you immediately trust her? Or did she have to earn your trust over time? I am not a "trust out of the gate" person. Whether it is a new friend, the SO of a friend or family, a new boss, employee, etc. I am distrustful until that person earns my trust. I don't think you trusted your W the day you met her. Over time she earned it. And that is back to where you are now. You rightfully do not trust her anymore, but can you trust here again in the future if she is consistent in her behavior over a long period of time?
Good advice. I do plan on giving it some time. Time to get back into great shape and improve myself enough to make it easier for me to find someone new. Time for MC and LR-ing to maybe work.
My concern is that my trust in her is what kept me blind to what she was up to. So the way my brain works is, now I am not sure I even WANT to learn to trust her and put myself back in that position. I have to ask myself even if her behavior was consistent for 3 years, is she just faking it because she hasn't met someone else yet. What would happen if she met someone new that peaked her interest? I have to ask if I want to risk exposing myself to go through this again. I am just not sure I do. Again, no final decisions will be made until I feel I have improved enough to meet someone new myself. I figure 3 to 6 months at least.
On the bright side these feelings are making it super easy to distance and detach.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. She spent some time writing and I spent some time working out. I told her I was going to get my car detailed, she decided hers needed cleaned as well as followed me up there. We got home, she cooked dinner, we ate, watched a TV show, she went to bed.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. She spent some time writing and I spent some time working out. I told her I was going to get my car detailed, she decided hers needed cleaned as well as followed me up there. We got home, she cooked dinner, we ate, watched a TV show, she went to bed.
Working out is great. But I am concerned that you haven't replaced your normal gaming time with more productive things. Those that GAL the least struggle the most.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, I haven't played 1 second of any game since this all started. I have really been spending all of that time reading this forum, the DB'ing book, and other sources. I have spent some time doing some cleaning around the house. I know I need to get OUT as part of GAL, I just can't seem to decide what to go do. Excuse? Youbetchya. Easy to get passed? Not in the least.
So I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. Put on some jeans, a nice shirt, my W's favorite cologne for me, and went out. W was at her sisters swimming and called me just as I was walking out the door and asked if I could please bring her some clothes that she forgot so she could get dry to eat dinner and asked if I wanted to eat with them. I took her the clothes and went ahead and hung around long enough to scarf a bit of food, then off I went.
I was OTW to the pool hall (PH) when my step-D20 called, asked what I was doing and if she and her BF could come. I reluctantly said yes. They were dropped off by the friend that had been driving them around all day but he didn't stay. After about 2 hours or so my step-D said she was getting tired and wanted to go home. As I was now their ride I took the BF home then brought the step-D home. When we got home the W was still awake and seemed a bit irritated or mad. Now, our whole family has an app on our phones where we can see where everyone in our circle is, and I guess she had looked at it. I asked what was wrong and she said I had lied to her by not telling her the step-D was going with me to shoot pool. I didn't get angry, I just calmly said "I didn't know she was going to come until after I left", and then I laughed and asked "why would I need to lie about spending time with my kid". W sort of smirked and said "I didn't say it made sense". At least she acknowledged somewhere in the short convo that "she didn't really have the right to be mad either way" which I was already kind of thinking. This whole exchange seemed really weird. Like she was somehow jealous despite what she had done and despite her asking for an open marriage. I had considered going back out, but after this exchange and considering I was already a bit tired I decided not to.
Speaking of that app that we have, should I turn it off when I am GALing? I mean we have all always left it on, even the W during what she did left it on at all times. Seems like me turning it off now would appear extra shady, like I am the one doing something wrong. On the other hand it's hard to be mysterious, when you can be tracked like a convict on house arrest. What do you think about this app?
I asked what was wrong and she said I had lied to her by not telling her the step-D was going with me to shoot pool. I didn't get angry, I just calmly said "I didn't know she was going to come until after I left", and then I laughed and asked "why would I need to lie about spending time with my kid". W sort of smirked and said "I didn't say it made sense"... This whole exchange seemed really weird. Like she was somehow jealous despite what she had done and despite her asking for an open marriage.
There may be a motive at work here. Often, cheating spouses try to bring the non-cheating spouse down to their level ("we're both liars"), similar to the way she wanted you to buy into a "hall pass". Steve85 has dealt with EAs successfully, and is a great person to have listening and commenting on your situation.
Hi Texan, There may be a motive at work here. Often, cheating spouses try to bring the non-cheating spouse down to their level ("we're both liars"), similar to the way she wanted you to buy into a "hall pass". Steve85 has dealt with EAs successfully, and is a great person to have listening and commenting on your situation.
I am not sure I would call it a motive as i am not sure it's a conscious decision, but I am 100% sure you are correct that it is her lies and infidelity that is causing her to be paranoid about me also lying and/or cheating. So I think she is more afraid I am going to go do something out of a sense of revenge or vindictiveness and is preemptively looking for it. I could be wrong though, it's just how it seems to me.
Not much happened yesterday but here is an account.
W worked from 7am - 7pm. I spent the day working in the garage and digging out an old military footlocker that I want to make something out of. W got home around 7:30, we (me, W, step-D + BF) ate dinner. The W had 2 "beers" with and just after dinner then went to bed.
The only thing to note was that after the W and I had finished eating but were still at the table waiting on step-D (a notoriously slow eater) to finish eating, the W got a text and got a little excited and showed me who it was. It was the female ex-cowrker that was W's second interest (We will call her OW2) but that apparently didn't return the interest. I just said "that's nice" and went back to talking with step-D. Later as the W was going to bed, she told me that the OW2 had gotten a new job and was doing good. Again, I simply replied "that's nice" and that was the end of our convo for the day. She went to bed.
Part of me feel like W reached out to OM2 because her R with OM blew up, but I feel like she pointed it out to me b/c she thinks I am having an A somehow and wants me to know she can too even without OM. I am not sure. She is "def cray cray".
Oh no one ever responded about what I should about that tracking app while trying to GAL. I am not sure what to do with that.
