Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It has been invaluable to my process.
For all of those that are slightly ahead of me in your situations, I hear repeatedly that everyone wished they had ‘dropped the rope’ sooner. Or put more boundaries in place sooner. I would love to hear what that would have looked like in your situations as I navigate my own.
H’s letter makes me feel slightly sick. He is so wrapped up in his own process, his own feelings and his own struggles. It seems ludicrous that he needs to be alone to process his innermost thoughts, and yet he will make no move to end his EA. His letter makes me truly understand that he has no thoughts or cares for me or my feelings. And if he is not going to care, then I guess I am the only one that can care for myself. So in a way, I guess I am taking ownership for my own needs over his. Finally.
But now that I am taking true ownership of my feelings and needs, absent of him, I am struggling with what to do next. I have time to decide, it’s on my terms. And this is where I am seeking guidance: what would you have done differently in your situation?
This is really hard, Sage. And you know, even in the thick of the first weeks of my separation, when I was posting here and getting very clear advice and suggestions - I still wasn't able to detach and drop the rope as well as hindsight makes me wish I had. So I'm not posting as a 'successful expert' at this. We do what we can do. I guess for me, staying attached enough to let H abuse me and string me along for a while hurt less then detaching from him and feeling the grief. For a while, at least. So please take my words in answer to your question in that spirit - I'm by no means perfect at this stuff and no doubt never will be. And all the 'right actions' in the world are not going to save you from feeling the pain of this, and it [censored] and it isn't fair and I'm sorry.
So - I wish that when H moved out, I'd have gone as NC as possible right away. For a while he visited me in the house and I allowed that to happen, pretending it was what was best for the kids, but really because I wanted to see him because I felt lonely and because I wanted him to have the chance to see my changes.
I often phoned him up when I didn't need to, and when he was drunk and angry, I stayed on the phone trying to convince him to be nice to me, rather than acting with self respect, giving both of us space, and finding other ways to deal with my feelings.
While we were separated, I'd make these bargains with him - he wanted me to text him encouraging messages for a while, and I did that, but became furious when there was very little coming back. I wish I'd have withdrawn from him and only put the effort into the relationship that he was able to extend himself.
I read relationship books like crazy, and while I did learn some useful things (most useful were articles about boundaries, about manipulation, control and abuse, and about the pursuit-distance dynamic) I actually wish I'd put all that to one side and sought out books and films and music to comfort and soothe and entertain me.
I wish I'd been more assertive - saying 'no' to things that didn't work for me, rather than twisting myself up trying to get them to work for me, or trying to manipulate him into offering or saying something more to my liking.
I made excuse after excuse after excuse for the way he was treating me and had treated me, and I wasted hours and hours and hours of reading and rumination on trying to figure out what his issues were, what the causes of them were, and what he needed to do next. I also spent a lot of time envisioning what an ideal R would look like, what my demands for what would be, and what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I wish I had spent that time on GAL and self development. His improvements or flaws are none of my business and my concentrating on his issues was just a way of postponing work on my own and trying to control the situation.
Last summer, when he said he wanted to come home, I expressed, tentatively, the feeling that it was too early for me. We were communicating well, but there was more I wanted to see from him (an understanding of what he felt his part in it all was, and how he wanted to change in his behaviour towards me) and I wanted to carry on growing the confidence that was just starting that I would be okay on my own. He responded to that very sulkily, and it terrified me, so I backed down right away and let him come back full time pretty much the instant he wanted it. I wish I'd lovingly held my ground and I suspect we'd be having fewer issues now if I had.
