Yes, I think the lack of emotional intimacy is at the root of it - and some of that is on my shoulders as I have been hiding what I really think about him and us and our situation - partly because of my fear of his reaction. I can't blame him for that as if my telling the truth prompts punishment or abuse from him, I am much more capable than I was of putting a stop to it and I do know that for sure.
I don't know what would motivate him. He's a classic distancer and I suspect it would be years of no-contact and utter isolation that would get him wondering about what it was he was doing (rather than other people) to create those circumstances in his life. I'm not willing to do that as a manipulation tactic - I'd rather end the marriage and live alone than have to Go Dark in an In House Separation to get him to feel the loss of me. I'm so tired I'm just totally unwilling to do anything to extract any kind of affection or compliance or anything at all from him.
I think self-care has to be it right now.
He is being very warm and reasonable with me today, and I have to bear in mind how utterly awful his job is right now - and how tired and stressed he is. And he's an introvert - which isn't the same as being a distancer - and I know when he gets home from a 12 hour shift he's so depleted he just can't bear any emotional 'demand' at all. It's a shame his needs in a marriage run absolutely the opposite to my needs, and my way of getting my needs met involves GAL and not turning to my H. We may just, in the end, be incompatible, or it might be that in easier circumstances and my having more contact with people who actually like being around me, is enough to shore things up for a while.
