Is he afraid to admit he made a mistake and put people he love through a world of hurt? It's not like he doesn't know this, on some level. When I have felt that way about mistakes in my past (not even marriage related necessary) - sometimes the 'for what' is to grow as a person and learn a lesson. Sometimes that really affects the lives of others, but sometimes there aren't other ways to learn the full lesson. If you guys frame it that way together, do you think he'd be receptive?
I think it is possible. We talked a little the other night about the positive things that maybe would not have happened if not for the affair. I think he would like to believe that. But more of the issue, I think, is that he hates to admit to mistakes ever anyway, and has preferred to think of this whole situation as set in momentum by me with the SSM and then almost inevitable that he "fell" into the A, he didn't really realize where he was until it was too late. (I was like, well, there had to have been a point where you could have seen the potential and stopped. She could have too. He agreed... but it is all kind of moot since they didn't, it happened, and here we are now.) Anyway, I think we can probably get there but he isn't quite to that place yet. And I don't want to lead him.
Things are better since our talk. It was my birthday yesterday and he put together a really nice day, baked and decorated a cake with the girls (he said to me in semi-shock afterward... wow, that was a lot of work. And the kitchen was still a total disaster. I just smiled and said yep! I know! and took the cocktail he made me and went to sit outside and drink it while he cleaned up and made dinner :))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
