a new normal

[may22]

Thanks Sage, Alison. I know you're both right. It truly is none of his business anyway. And I agree about the relative safety of a doctor's appointment. We just spent a couple of hours at a protest and while everyone was wearing masks, I was thinking it was kind of ridiculous that we've been so, so careful all this time and I'm worried about going into a doctor's office for a 10 minute appointment with a mask on and here we are with thousands of other people. Ugh. Also, I actually don't really think he would care all that much, especially once he realizes he didn't even notice and I've been doing it for a year. It is more that it feels enough beyond the run-of-the-mill self-care and I don't want him to think I lack self-confidence in my looks at this particular juncture. He knows it has bothered me for ages. Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice here. I think I'll keep my end of the month appointment and just decide if I want to tell him about it or not as we get closer.

With money, we have never really had separate money. We have an informal thing where we check in with the other if we're spending more than usual on something, or buying something for the house we usually talk it through, do research, etc. TBH, before BD I was the one who was more stingy with $ and would get annoyed with him for spending $ on things I thought were just for him ("selfish") or frivolious. Probably plays into the whole control thing. Whereas he always encouraged me to spend $ on myself and I never really wanted to because I felt guilty. This was the dynamic for a long time and he has said even now he feels guilty when buying something for himself, even though (like surfing) I really came to the realization that I was being horrible to him on this a year or so ago and stopped caring if he spent money on records or t-shirts or expensive beer or whatever he wants. (I used to get REALLY annoyed about the records.) Even throughout this whole past year, he'll still say hey, I'm going to buy X, is that OK, I say sure I don't care, and i think he still feels a little guilty. So maybe that dynamic is playing into this a little bit--the idea of spending money secretly-- and is definitely something that I am responsible for creating.

Alison, I am such a huge proponent of self-care. I really think it helps in all areas of your life when you can check all those boxes-- enough sleep, exercise, and hydration are the most important, I think. All I ever wear now are tank tops and yoga pants and I'm eating like it is going out of style, but I am trying to keep up with working out at least a bit. I could do better here too. (Also-- maybe it is time for you to get a new tattoo???)