Don't beat yourself up, Sage. Nobody here does DB perfectly - it is very very very hard and the only thing it guarantees is that you will be detached and protected from poor behaviour from your WH - not that they will come back. You won't have pushed the situation beyond R if that is what your H wants: if you do end up Ring, you will want to R with a H who can be understanding of the fact that you were hurt and tender and emotional and scared and did not always act your best, wouldn't you?
H was making it pretty clear that he wanted to come back at a certain point - but to be honest, I didn't always believe him, and he never seemed to realise that R was contingent on changes from him, not just some time passing and it being more convenient in terms of his workload. I wish I'd gone much darker much earlier, and I wish I'd been much much slower around piecing. But my story is not your story, and you and your H aren't me and my H.
I guess from someone in piecing, and finding it incredibly difficult, what I wish I'd done is gone dark and had much higher standards for myself and for H. I wish I'd taken things slower. I wish I'd got much happier being on my own - including a fuller and fairer financial separation - and I wish I'd exposed myself to less of H's bad behaviour during the separation (he was abusive in this time, but he didn't seek out contact much - I did, and that's when he was abusive) as there would be less to forgive now. My H wasn't in an active EA during our separation - as far as I know - but if he had have been, I think the only thing to do would have been to act as if the marriage was over until there was only the two of us in it.
I think the best thing to do for your M is also the best thing to do for you. Withdraw. You H will take some time to feel less cornered, and if he is thinking of you as plan B, it will shake that plan a bit. And it will give you the space you need to take total care of yourself.
What are your 180s? What are your self care practices? Do you have much opportunity for GAL?
