I think the smallest step towards the MR are ending the EA and starting talks or taking action towards rebuilding our R. It might not even end up as salvaging the R, in the end. But I feel like at no point in our entire situation have we really given our R a chance. In terms of working on those things that broke it in the first place. I have a feeling I know what he is going to say (he is supposed to let me know today at some point). So I am prepared to execute plan b, which is retaining a L next week and learning everything I can about D (I have had a consult so know a little bit already).
The hard thing for me is that I know in my deepest heart of hearts (and intuition) that if he were to just stick it out ‘for the kids’ that in 2 years’ time he would be the happiest he has ever been in his life. In our M, in work and in our family. And I also know that if he chooses his current trajectory, he is going to be 1000x more miserable than he currently is. Strangely, despite my grief, I know that I will be great either way. Plan b will be much, much harder in terms of kids and being a single mother, and having to find a new career once I am no longer working for our business.
I just know I am not going to be OK if I continue on in this limbo. I feel like it is killing me. And I know that many of you are in the midst of limbo or are just on the other side, but my situation feels different in that I haven’t even gotten breadcrumbs. I validate and he spews. Ad naseum. No hope, no signs of any sort of progress.
I’d love to hear if I am doing the right or wrong thing.
I think you have a really good handle on your feelings, thoughts and values and what you want, Sage. I'm not sure an R talk at this stage of things - especially one where you issue some plans or hopes for the future - is a good idea - but it didn't turn into an argument and what is done is done. I know the vets around here would tell you to go dark - or as near to talk as you can - while he is seeing someone else and not committed to the marriage. That you don't tell him he is going to lose you unless or until he does what you want - you just let him feel for a while - a good long while - what losing you would be like. That works for some, feels manipulative for others. To be honest, I can see the value in it.
In terms of your second paragraph - did you tell your H this? That you know what would make him happier than he's ever been before? And you know what will make him miserable? You might be right on that - you might not be - but I think in your H's shoes I'd find this a fairly controlling and perhaps even a threatening thing to hear. I know you didn't mean it that way, but WAS esp. spouses who have other people in their lives, are skittish and cat like and liable to take everything in the worst possible way. That's why you say nothing and do dark. And if you do get into a R talk, you listen, you ask questions, you validate, but you don't tell the person what's good for them. How would it be for you if he told you that he knew, 100%, that in 2 years time he'd be happier than he'd ever been as a single man, or with the EAP partner? You can both 'know' that - and both of you aren't right, and neither of you know, so it's empty words.
I hated limbo too. I issued an ultimatum which backfired on me very humiliatingly (I knew it would, to be honest) but it did give me the strength to go dark, and it was the going dark and H genuinely thinking I was done with his nonsense, that shifted our situation forward (and as you know. it's hardly a perfect situation - piecing is much harder than divorce.)
