I agree MC would be a good idea. I don't think even in the best of times our communication is up to much. Last summer we went for one or two sessions together, and the MC said she didn't think H was ready, and saw him on his own for a few months. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing about when I'd come back in - he wanted me to, and I wanted to wait a while, and then when I finally agreed to it and scheduled a session, I was sick and couldn't make it, then a few days before the rescheduled session he abruptly cancelled it and told her he wouldn't be going back - by text. He told her it was because I wasn't comfortable. Which at the time I challenged him on as being a self-serving lie. It did take me a while to make up my mind to do it and be ready, but once I'd agreed to it, I never once said anything other than I was committed to going and hoped it would be good for us. I think he didn't want me in the same room as her - either he'd told her something he was worried about me knowing, or he was worried about me telling her something he didn't want her knowing. It could be something very significant, or something trivial. Years ago, when we first met, he actually told his mother I didn't like her and didn't want any contact with her (totally, totally untrue) because he was uncomfortable that she and I seemed to be getting on okay. I dealt with that really quickly at the time and telephoned her and said it was rubbish, and I'd no idea why he said that, and it was all brushed under the carpet (though I suspect during or at the end of our separation he's said something similar to his family as there's no contact at all from them towards me these days, and there used to me). I actually brought this - the nonsense he told the MC before ending therapy with her - up again when I gave him his Home Truths the other day, and said his failure to seek help or sabotage the help we did get wasn't anything to do with me feeling comfortable or not and he'd lied to his counsellor about that. I still see my IC - by electronic means these days.
I am weary, to be honest. He's been perfectly polite with me today - and some of this is lockdown blues, and our jobs being stressful, and these strange circumstances we're in. I can't fault the practical support he is giving me and I know that is his way of communicating love and commitment. But I certainly don't feel respect or any emotional intimacy from him. He has improved a lot on some things, yes, but his fundamental character is who he is and it isn't fair to want to change that. And it's very hard to want closeness with him. His life and interests seem quite narrow from my perspective and it is hard to find anything I want to do with him (he likes to spend his evenings playing computer games, doesn't have any friends and doesn't have any interest in getting to know my friends). My GAL sustains me a lot and that was a really good thing for me personally, and I means I both have more to bring to the marriage and general conversation, have a better perspective on what is okay by me or not and what kinds of things other than my marriage make me happy. But the marriage itself... well, it is disappointing and this is not where I hoped we'd be when I look back on where we were last year. I know these things take a lot of time and a lot of work, but I am tired of the work.
