I am really sorry you are going through this right now. I want to start off by talking about asking him to leave. First off you legally can't kick him out so let's just take that off the table. Calmly asking him leave establishes the fact that you are not ok with what is going on. That is the starting point. You can't control but this situation in not working for you.
I talk about this all the time that recently I was introduced to a concept that "Live will present you with people and circumstances to show you where you are not free". Totally believe it and in fact you are a prime example of this theory. When I read you don't like to shower alone it spoke volumes to me. You and your H are broken people and you are never going to have a good relationship until you fix yourselves. You can't make him fix himself but you can work on you. Now is the time to take the focus 100% of your husband and put it on you and your children.
Most of people's insecurities come from the feeling that they are not enough. These are usually developed in childhood and carry into adulthood. Your control issues stem from these insecurities. You try to control your husband so he won't leave you because you feel that you're not enough and these behaviors end up turning into a self fulfilling prophecy. This in turn feeds the ego and the ego says "see I was right you are not enough". You've been dealing with this likely for 4 decades so it's going to take a really long time to rewire your brain. The question is to do have it in you?
We are here to help you and support you but at some point you will have to take a leap of faith and let him go. This limbo will beat you to your knees and leave you there permanently if you let it. Life is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
