Thank you Yail. It's hard to figure out if the decisions I am making are healthy and conducive towards healing and growth, or if I am pushing the problem aside and ignoring it for it to come back at a later time. I feel like I have been making small but significant strides with this and everything going on right now.
This week has been a blur to me. I have been mostly involved with work and physical self-care. Getting used to a new schedule has been relatively easy. The only thing I do not like is getting up at 3:45 to be at work by 5:00, though drinking my coffee black has helped make mornings much more bearable. Also, adjusting to an IF (intermittent fasting) lifestyle has helped balance things out physically and mentally. Food is still somewhat of a crutch, but forcing myself to be held accountable for 16 hours has made the food crutch smaller and allowed me to lose some weight. I look back at my photos pre-BD and I respond with an audible "Whoa!" everytime I see myself back then.
One thing that has been a challenge for me to overcome is getting past the events and the resulting aftermath of the loss of my M. I have a lot of regret and sorrow for the way I acted and how those events led to our S. I try not to dwell but in moments of loneliness and solitude, it comes roaring back and I get reminded of the events that transpired. I still hurt at what I lost; love, trust, my friends, a certain security, and a sense of family. I hate coming home to an empty house. Having D6 spend time with me definitely helps though I know she has her own life to live and as she continues to get older she will be creating her own relationships with peers her own age. I am trying to establish and keep my friendships that I have made over the last year, though with COVID it has been more of a challenge. It did feel good to see a good buddy of mine at the local dive bar a few days ago. I told him that I will not be as much of a stranger as I have been and hopefully we can hang out on a regular basis, especially as restrictions are eased.
My exGF called yesterday and we talked about getting together with the girls since they are missing each other. I see her as another possible friend and I think with the pressure of an R off I can create a good friendship. We'll see how it goes.
The healing, as I have stated previously, has been ongoing. Each day it gets a little better, but I would be lying if I said it did not hurt. I am not in agony as I was previously, but I still hurt. I still wonder if I can truly be the man only a fool would leave. I still wonder if I find someone who will love me the way my XW did. This is not a knock against my exGF. I feel like I have put unreasonable high expectations on my exGF and unfortunately the weight of my expectations along with circumstances outside of our control caused things to end. I truly feel like I can love again. I truly feel like my true love is out there, waiting for me. I feel that at the right time, at the right place, it will happen. I hope I am not wrong.
