Well... I just blew every DB approach in the book.
H and I had a conversation about the nesting situation and I expressed that I saw it as a temporary solution and that for it to continue, I would need us both to lean into the MR. If the outcome of the S was D, then moving apart into separate kid-friendly homes made the most sense. We had some rather light R talk that was neutral for both of us. Then I left for a phone session with my IC, who has been working with me on self-actualization and improvement but also knows my M situation.
In the conversation with my IC, I delved into self-worth, self-value and my fears (surrounding D). He helped me decipher that my greatest fear was continuing to live in limbo, not actual divorce and moving on. This was a new revelation for me because for a long time I think I feared D and the loss of an intact family above all else. But something has shifted in me these past few weeks. I am actually starting to realize that maybe D would be for the best. That living in this limbo is too hard for me and my self-esteem. And I feel like it is impacting my ability to be the best, most present and loving mama I could be. I want my life back. MY life, with all the fixings that make ME happy (my pretty home and garden, my kids, my large close extended family and social network). I have a lot of experience (due to H's travel schedule) in living a fulfilling life without a partner present all the time. I want that back.
Over the past few days a few other things have deeply impacted me. A poster on this forum called Coach wrote a fascinating article called “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” that really struck me and my situation with a cheating H. I hold beliefs and values about marriage and relationships that come from being raised in, and surrounded by, healthy, functional marriages. In fact, I have no references for D, not among friends OR family (besides all my in-laws, and maybe that is why H is where he is???).
When I examine my situation from a detached, 360 degree perspective, I realize that I have been interacting with my current R situation based on feelings, and not values and beliefs. My values and beliefs about marriages are that they are (mostly) happy, healthy places of mutual support, love and fidelity. And that when issues arise, you lean in and work through them and only then come to a conclusion (which could be D, but you work on it before reaching that point). This leaves me pondering. My values and beliefs would have me walking away with a healthy amount of self-love intact if H is not willing to do the work or reflection necessary to work on our M.
And reflecting further, reading even more situations on the boards, I recognize that I have been doing a variety of DBing techniques for the past 10 months. Nothing has worked and nothing has changed (except that H moved out, reconnected with his EA and we've gotten closer to D). I haven't been perfect in my techniques, but I have done a lot more than I give myself credit for. And I have a lot less to show for it than most other people do.
Looking back, I wished that I walked away 8 months ago and didn't lose those months to this rollercoaster.
Which leaves me in the present moment: I told H that his cheating and his lack of investment in our R was impacting my physical and emotional well-being and that I couldn't continue on the same path we were on. That I believed if he stuck it out in our M, in a few years he would be the happiest he has ever been in his life. That our family was worth it. (I know deep down he knows this is the truth, which is why I said it, before anyone gives me a major 2x4). But also, that if he couldn't commit to even the smallest step towards our MR, that I could no longer continue in limbo and would take the next steps.
