Steve, -

Both you and the input I have received from LH have been so completely valuable to me - I wish I could express that the advice I have found here and shared by you both (and others) have been gold. You are right this is one of the hardest things I have ever gone thru. I feel that I have read volumes of books and posts, but depending when I read it, some has stuck and if I was in denial - I did not allow to stick b/c it did not fit my this-will-all-work-out narrative. So pulling out the DB book would be a smart thing to do, I do have it - thanks for the suggestion. I am sure I was reading it at light speed to find that magical answer - that does not exist.

I think if I research every angle, I will figure this out. Believing it would open a door to understanding more about my H, I just started to read the No more Mr Nice Guy book - and instead was knocked back to find insights more about myself. What stopped me most was:
"Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear - loneliness and isolation. When the NG discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships or tolerate intolerable behavior...." I can not be alone. It is my #1 fear. I don't even like taking showers alone.

Other ng stuff - I have always felt that its selfish to put my needs first -yes, I always thought it was virtuous to put others ahead of me -yes. And I am only happy if my partner is happy- yes. Always fixing and care taking-yes. I always thought it made me feel good to give, and that generosity is a sign of how good I am and so that will make others love/appreciate me back- yes. That is all how I think. There's more similarities - not all - but a good deal. And all of this coming from childhood issues? That well is just too deep, trust me.

I feel like this tunnel just keeps going. I can not deal with all of it: H affair, plus H issues, plus H needs, plus H expectations, plus the kids, plus the job, plus look as great as I can and act perfectly (be friendly, upbeat, seem happy that all is going well), be productive at work amid layoffs, cook 2 separate but equal meals, keep the place clean, the kids in check, keep 37 rules in my head and sort out toxic childhood issues.

I am just getting dizzy trying to process it all. And the sands keep shifting, so there is always something new. DD16 just had it out with H this morning, calling him a p@ssy for stepping out last night, treating us all badly and pretending that its not happening. She is hurting, DS13 is hurting. Clearly, something has to change. I KNOW that. Even though everything about me wants him to say, my higher self is pushing me to get it over with and get him out - screaming at me to just say it - "Leave!".

I thought a discussion around the dd explosion would be the time to tee up the conversation- during it, he leads the conversation and and tells me - Not to worry about what happened, dd really gave it to him, but that is on him to deal with - and for me to hold on, please be patient with him, things are coming to a head with the 'situation' and that it should play out very soon. Things are still really bad with him and us - but not dead, he is no longer 'one foot out the door' and the situation is getting resolved.

That's all I needed to hear to be that typical LBS - a shred of hope that around the corner there is happiness - just wait. I think if he is going to leave me, and that is his news that is around the corner, then fine - either way he will be out. Would it be better if I asked him to leave - definitely - but then I lose the Pandora's box of every really knowing if he actually was going to cut it off? I had told him the other day that I needed to make a decision, that the dam was just springing too many holes and I no longer could keep the kids at bay with his behavior, and personally could not stand the nightly runs. Maybe this is pushing him to decide sooner - or - he is bread crumbing me in the worst way possible, as a WH would.


M:50 H:49
D:16 S:13
M:23 T:25
BD: Feb 25th 2020
EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020
Behind every broken woman is a broken man...