"Yes. My wife flipped more than a hamburger on a short-order cook's grill. One minute saying she wanted to stay, and the next staying she still was going to go. The WAS mind is not something that is easily understood."
Is she your wife now or did it end in divorce?
If you're still married can you say what made the turn around? I assume you are still married to here but sometimes stuff gets crossed up
thx NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
"Yes. My wife flipped more than a hamburger on a short-order cook's grill. One minute saying she wanted to stay, and the next staying she still was going to go. The WAS mind is not something that is easily understood."
Is she your wife now or did it end in divorce?
If you're still married can you say what made the turn around? I assume you are still married to here but sometimes stuff gets crossed up
thx NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
"Yes. My wife flipped more than a hamburger on a short-order cook's grill. One minute saying she wanted to stay, and the next staying she still was going to go. The WAS mind is not something that is easily understood."
Is she your wife now or did it end in divorce?
We are still married and have been Ring and piecing for almost 2 years.
Originally Posted by NewJimmy
If you're still married can you say what made the turn around?
This sounds like a "hey, what is the magic bullet?" question. The answer: THERE IS NO MAGIC BULLET. Sorry, but we all come to this forum as LBSs with the attitude of: "Hey, tell me what I can to do to save my marriage. Just list it out, no matter how long, and I will do it!" If only it were that easy.
What I can tell you is that my situation didn't turn around until I stopped trying to turn it around. My situation didn't turn around until I stopped trying to save my marriage. Instead, I gave up on trying to turn my sitch around and save my marriage. I embraced the fact that I was going to be D'd and that she was going to leave. I got really good at GAL. I instituted real change in my life through 180s, by continuing to learn (reading, the internet, etc) and through IC. I made these changes not for her, not to try to save my marriage, but for me! And then I worked on and got better and better at detaching (not letting her words and deeds make me have an emotional reacation). Essentially I let her go to get her back. Even that is tricky, you cannot let her go to invoke a response from her, but literally just to let her go since I cannot control her or make her happy.
I don't think you've ever really dropped the rope and let her go. You know how I know that? Because you are still hoping the D is never finalized. NJ, do you think that is logical? Your W is out of the house. You are sharing custody of the kids. For all intents and purposes your marriage is over. And you are stressing out over a legal filing that has no bearing on whether she ever comes back or not. If the D isn't finalized 15 years from now, but she still never came back, then what has not finalizing the D actually achieved!?!?
Further, you notice how long she sits in the driveway. You attach significance to her coming in to say goodbye instead of just dropping them off. NJ, I can guarantee she can feel those kinds of things. And knows she can have you back, no matter what she does, at the drop of the hat. You know when she will want to come back? When she feels like you no longer want her to come back. When I started to embrace my W's plan to get a D, get a job, and get her own place, when I started to feel excited at the prospect of being single and on my own again, that's when my wife started to waffle.
So drop the fear of the D. Stop letting her take up any space in your head. GAL, 180, detach. And make sure you are trying to save yourself.................
Originally Posted by NewJimmy
I assume you are still married to here but sometimes stuff gets crossed up
thx NJ
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I feel like I am dropping the rope again and have been GAL for some time. I am rationalizing that if the D does come not much will change from what the stich is right now except the financials on me will be greater.
Like I said I have bought another copy of DR and have been blowing through it and will re-read it again, i'm not being reactionary towards anything from her and am being the best for the boys.
I'm not looking for a magic bullet but just reassurance through someone elses story that a flip flopper can eventually flop back to wanting to work on the marriage.
It is what it is and I will be fine wo her.
thx NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
I feel like I am dropping the rope again and have been GAL for some time. I am rationalizing that if the D does come not much will change from what the stich is right now except the financials on me will be greater.
Like I said I have bought another copy of DR and have been blowing through it and will re-read it again, i'm not being reactionary towards anything from her and am being the best for the boys.
I'm not looking for a magic bullet but just reassurance through someone elses story that a flip flopper can eventually flop back to wanting to work on the marriage.
It is what it is and I will be fine wo her.
thx NJ
Good to hear. Sometimes we see questions from LBSs and since we are aware of the feelings they are feeling because we've been through it, we can cut through the question to the heart of the issue. I perceived you looking for that magic bullet for flip-flopping her back. And the answer is there was nothing I could do to get her to flip-flop back to the MR, except wait. Nothing I did caused her to flop back to wanting to keep the MR. I think the best answer to the question of "When will the WAS want to come back?" is "When they WANT to come back."
You aren't going to be fine without her. You are going to be great! You are going to be AWESOME! You are going to take life by the horns, regardless of her decision, and live an amazing life! Financials come and go, you are going to flourish once this deadweight in your life is finally cut loose.
Please go read my quote of LH in R2C's quote thread. It is pure gold.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will go know and look for that quote. It's the issue with the boys 6 and 8 and knowing they will be heart broken and wondering how this will affect them long term. Asking for answers to questions about our relationship and getting "i'm not interested in talking, you never listen so why would it matter now" or I told you 1000 times and me asking to see them in writing for 1001 and the last time. Still no cooperation just more blame.
The boys are getting more and more vocal with saying they want to be home and not at the grandparents house w/ mom. They do have everything over there even their own bedroom but its not their house.
Just got to keep keeping on
thx NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
So yesterday she confirms that I'm still cool with paying the same amount I have been contributing on our present car (we have 2) for a new used car. Her car has turn into a POS and burning through oil for no reason. I say yes and just want to know how much we still owed on her car. If we were 6 months away from being paid off I don't want to be stuck for 3 years of helping out. Not that it would happen when divorce is final but still.
Why in the world doesn't she just assume full responsibility for the car? If all this goes thru I'm not going to let her walk away with a newer car scott free. It will also need to be taken care of when splitting assets.
Its also been almost 2 months since I requested through our attny's for a better time arrangement and follow ups have been delivered from my attny on the time issue and for her to agree to a home assessment person for the equity. Still no response.
Keeping my cool but so aggravating. No arguments calm exchanges and all the planning for a bday neighborhood parade have gone well for the to be 6 year old
Keeping on keeping on NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
To add a bit more. The longer this goes on and papers are not finalized the longer I'm not solo on health insurance (that payment solo will really hit hard) and other things we still share as her benefits are much better than what I will have through my job. I just didn't want to get into a tit for tat over the payments and cause an argument or fight.
Thats just my 2 more cents.
thx NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
Wait, you agree to help her with a new car and then wonder why she isn't taking responsibility for the car herself?
I think that first part of that answers your question. She isn't taking responsibility for her car herself because NJ is there to help!
"On second thought, me helping you with the new car just complicates the splitting of things for the D. I think it would be better for you to handle your new car by yourself."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
