DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[SteveLW]

Bluesea, obviously your situation is yours, not ours, so what you decide is best to do is ultimately up to you. The perspective that we bring as a collective (both welcomed and unwelcome feedback) is what we'e observed as working in dozens and dozens of situations here. And what we can tell you is that some of your tactics that you are engaging in and considering engaging in tend to set situations like yours back, not move it forward. We have had more than a few LBSs that grew tired of the blunt advice suggesting they do the opposite of what they were doing or wanted to do, only to come back weeks or months (sometimes years) later and admit that they should have taken the advice. We just had one recently do that within the last couple of weeks.

I know hearing some of the things you've heard here have been jolting. I think at one point you said you left the board over something LH said, but now you see that LH is only trying to help. We get a lot of LBSs here that are in denial, and we tend to talk frank and blunt with them in an effort to wake them from that denial state. The fact is that they are facing DIVORCE and unfortunately there is nothing a LBS can do to stop that. We say all the time, if the WAS wants a D then more than likely they (the LBS) will end up D'd. Unfortunately it takes 2 to make a marriage, but only takes 1 to get a D.

So there is a DB principle that we build all the rest of our advice on: Control what you can, and that is only you. You only have control of you. If there was anyway to control the WAS then this forum would be empty. There would be no need to DB at all. But the whole point of DBing is to turn the focus from the WAS and turn it back to yourself as the LBS. That is what GAL, 180ing, and detaching is all about. We only get control of one person in this life, and our WAS ain't it.

The other tendency most LBSs have is to revert back to what got you into your MR to begin with. And that is that initial wooing and attracting phase when you first met your SO. That is what becomes intuitive to the LBS when they face marital strife. "I need to get back to what got me here!" So we start wanting to do things like hug, and kiss, and snuggle, and say ILY, and initiate sex, and go on dates, and become a perfect spouse (cleaning the house, providing meals), we buy presents, we read the 5 love languages and try to fill their love tank. None of that works. And I usually use a simple analogy for why none of that works:

A MR is like a car. It requires routine maintenance. Just a like a car needs oil changes, tune-ups, air filter changes, and cleaning inside and out, so does a MR. That routine maintenance for a MR is making sure to keep the connection alive. Going on dates, saying ILY, filling their love tank (5 LLs), sex, kissing, hugging, etc. But with a car, if you ignore the routine maintenance eventually you have a breakdown. If you don't change the oil eventually the engine will seize up. Once that happens, you could change the oil but it would be a waste of time. No amount of oil changes is going to fix a blown engine. And the MR is the same, once you have a major breakdown in the MR, no amount of routine maintenance can fix it. All those things that are intuitive become a waste of time, and in fact, they cause more damage than good.

Once your H is sleeping on the couch, sneaking out at 12-5am to see an OW, it is too late for all of the routine maintenance that may have been missing in the MR up to that point. And exerting that pressure and pursuit on a WAS causes them to run away even faster. I cannot think of one sitch here that was turned around by the LBS pressuring and pursuing their spouse. Again, if it were that easy then this forum wouldn't exist. There is no magic bullet to fix a broken MR!

So Bluesea, what you can do is focus on you. I was surprised to hear you say that you didn't know that initiating sex was a violation of DBing principles. It has me questioning if you've read DB or DR. If not I highly suggest you pick up DR and read it. It makes me question if you've read all of Cadet's welcome message links. There is gold in those links! If you have read DB/DR and/or Cadet's links I highly encourage you to go back and read them again. Not just read them, but study them. Learn them. Know them. I used to carry a copy of sandi's 37 rules around on my smartphone and would read them multiple times a day! It kept me focused on the behavior that was going to better my situation, not make it worse. And I started to know them like the back of my hand!

One last thing I will challenge you on is whether or not your H is a WAH or a WH. You seem convinced hs is a WAH. However, one of the key differences between a WAH and WH is that a WAH will, well, walk away! WHs are completely different. They want their cake and eat it too. They want to crash on the couch, but still come and go with OW unabashedly and not even try to hide it. They will engage in "nice talks" like the one he had with you in order to manipulate and keep his current arrangement for as long as he can. I would argue that your H is a WH. Not merely a WAH. And I hope you understand that WSs require a tougher kind of love than a WAH would.

Anyway, I hope this helps. If not, let me know and I will abide by whatever wishes you have in regards to me continuing to weigh in on your sitch! God bless you and keep you, Bluesea. My sitch was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I am pretty sure you would concur with that in your case.