I am okay. Things continue to be quite difficult at home but I am taking my space and looking after myself. H seems in a slightly better temper after his time off shift, and perhaps a lot of time on his own was needed (I certainly wasn't seeking out his company). I know he isn't responsible for soothing my feelings of stress and anxiety and while he might have fears or opinions about what happens when I withdraw to do that for myself - just as I do when he does it - that's his problem.
I guess I have been trying to be curious about that fear of mine. H wasn't abusive towards me - he was grumpy and tried to pick some silly fights and he had clearly no self awareness about it and wasn't able to ask directly for what he needed. None of that is on a scale with the type of behaviour I've been subject to in the past. But my reaction - fear and near paralysis - followed by, I have to be honest, a fair bit of contempt, is what I want to look at now.
I think H has a 'truth' about how things are between us - that he'd solid, steady, long suffering, selfless and when things are difficult or stressful for him, he's sometimes not at his best. And that he's saddled with a hysterical, demanding wife who can't seem to cope with basic things, and now and again he gets totally understandably overwhelmed by her needs and lashes out in ways that should be understood and forgiven. He likes a bit of a banter and he gets annoyed by the fact that sometimes this sensitive wife of his cannot take a joke.
My truth is that I'm creative, passionate, interested and empathic and I do much of the emotional lifting in parenting and our relationships. I initiate the time we spend together, the sex we have and the conversations we have. And when I don't, these things don't happen. When I am stressed or upset, I generally receive criticism and blame and when he is stressed, he generally also blames me. Sometimes in his anger he can be extremely cruel in ways that have been in the past absolutely abusive and still sometimes border on it. When he loses control of himself, it is always my fault, or the kids' fault. He doesn't like to apologise as it makes him feel 'one down' when really his truth is that he's 'one up'. His sense of humour is usually on one theme - that I'm useless at something and he needs to be the one to sort it out. He will find that endearing until he finds it annoying. But it actually isn't true: I'm extremely competent at things he's less sure of and that probably intimidates him.
What I notice is that when we have any kind of conflict, however minor, I hear him out. I didn't used to. I get really upset and then it was all about soothing my emotions. But that doesn't happen now. What happens is I give him space and so long as he is being respectful, I validate how he feels and thinks about the world. Even if I don't agree. I also notice that it is rare I get any of that back. Generally when I try to say how things are for me, his response is to tell me what I am doing wrong, where I am falling short. I have explained that I don't need a solution, I need care and empathy, but he doesn't really have skills in that area. I see glimmers of it - more than I did in the past - but I looks like it costs him great effort and isn't something that comes from his heart. I suspect we're at the stage of piecing where I need to speak my own truth a bit more.
We had a bit of a show down this morning. Not shouting, not abusive, but it wasn't particularly pleasant either. He made another one of his little comments about my uselessness as a parent and I challenged him on it, which for the sake of peace I don't usually do.
I said I was really tired of the 'theme' of our relationship being him as the weary long suffering victim, and me as this hysterical liability. I said for me, the truth was something different, and I wanted him to hear it even if he didn't agree. He agreed to listen. I said that my truth was that for a long time, he'd acted in abusive and bullying ways towards me, had been dishonest and manipulative, had evaded many opportunities to get insight into that behaviour and instead preferred to blame others for it. I said the kids needed my talent at humour and empathy and connection, that was a hugely valuable part of the jigsaw of what we as their parents could offer them, and that his one-up-man-ship and point-scoring and examining of every relationship in terms of its transactional value had lost him the trust of his son and I wasn't going to take responsibility for that. I said that it was my belief he'd cancelled the session of therapy with his therapist I'd been invited to because he didn't want me to meet her, he didn't want there to be a chance for my truth to be present in that room. I said that quite a lot of the time I swallowed what I wanted to say as I was still afraid of being punished by withdrawal and silent treatment or verbal abuse and bullying and I didn't want to live in fear any more, so I would be saying what I wanted a lot more, and if he did punish me, I wouldn't be staying in the relationship.
At this point, he interrupted me and said he didn't want to hear it. I said no, I know you don't want to hear it. And you don't have to like it or agree with it, but I want to say it so I am going to say it, and you can either be there and respectfully listen, or you can leave. But I don't want to be in a relationship where my truth and my experiences aren't allowed to be expressed. And I don't want to be in a relationship where when I say something you don't like, the response is some kind of emotional punishment.
I left it there - came away to work. Now he's sitting, as usual, with his headphones on playing computer games which is exactly what I expected. It might be he is just processing and I will keep an open mind about that, but I suspect I'm in for another few days of sulking and fight-picking and my tolerance for it is just about gone.
