what should a stander do, exactly?

[DnJ]

Hello G

Breathe. It’s ok.

(((Big Bro Hug)))

Gerda and Foxpop have given good advice.

G, you are on two paths. One of healing and one of business deal gone bad. Each path has their own timelines, constraints, hurdles, accomplishments, etc.

The business side needs to be treated as such - business. Divorce is just a deal gone bad or sideways. Keep your emotions out of any negotiations or dealings. And get a lawyer!

No matter what - DO NOT sign anything without your lawyer looking it over first.

Let me give you some specific suggestions and advice:

i feel like I am in h*ll.

Yes, it feels like h3ll. It is not h3ll, just feels like it. Feelings do flit away when we stop reinforcing them. Feelings are not permanent.

Let the feelings wash over and through you. Then use your mental assertiveness to re-focus yourself. With practice and time this becomes much much easier. This is from a guy (me) who could barely do more than get through a day minute by minute. Trust me, it gets better!

Something to work on: Accuracy.

Work to see things with accuracy. The more clearly you see something, the better you can deal with it. Accuracy requires rationalizing. It brings whatever it is, into the realm of the rational, the realm of your direct control and influence. The realm of your thoughts and logic. (Less feelings, more thoughts).

For example, the feeling like h3ll. Instead, describe it more precisely. A terrible pain across and through my chest which spreads down each arm. Something like that, makes it more real, less vague, and therefore more within your grasp. And when seeing your feelings more accurately, you can see how you are reinforcing them. It takes time. Be patient and gentle on yourself.

I just cant belive all of this crap.

Watch out what you say - for your mind is listening.

I know that ^^^ was more an expression than an actually accurate statement. However, your mind makes it real.

“I just can’t believe...” - gets reinforced within your subconscious mind and you won’t believe.

Very few things are accurately “can’t”. It’s actually “won’t”. Or cannot yet. Can’t is permanent and aside from “you can’ t get pregnant”, there isn’t much you can’t do.

Try is another one of those words that sneak in. Try - predestines us to fail. Use do or do not.

Can, can’t, will, won’t, do, don’t, try - they all have a different feeling and thought when you read them and speak them. Your mind is listening. Do use the correct word, and the one you want/need to hear.

I hadent heard from her in over a month, and then she contacts me wanting to move forward with a divorce. I just cant understand al this. she wants me to meet her a notary Saturday to sign the papers.

Her being in a rush, or not being in a rush, does not dictate your actions.

Business deal gone bad. Keep your emotions out of it. Find detachment.

So what if she is suddenly in a rush. She’s been silent for over a month. Don’t worry about her needing things signed tomorrow.

I don't want to. what am I supposed to do. refuse to sign them, just give up and cave in? I do not know know what to do at this point.

I suspect you have a lawyer by this point (if not, get one!)

Do not sign anything this quickly. And for sure have your L look it over.

Any paperwork should be sent to your L, not you. Have W send stuff to L. Your L and her L should be hashing this out. That’s what you pay him/her for. It also puts a nice buffer in place which helps with detachment.

Be detached and indifferent when dealing with this business. Yeah, when we are hurting, like you are now, it is very difficult to focus and act in our best interests. Our emotions get in the way. We don’t see all that clearly. A lawyer usually does. Seek legal guidance.

If you need financial security or protection - get it.

If things are financial ok, and you don’t see any huge pending disruption, let her do the heavy lifting.

However, as was said before - I am one of the ones that got a good deal. If your W is offering a good deal - take it. Her path is a long one. She might exit the tunnel and may even want to come back; that is a long time away. She may also never exit the tunnel. It’s her journey.

Point is, usually, the MLCer is more willing to negotiate/offer in your favour early on. The time when they are more guilty feeling. You might want to consider that if she does indeed make a good offer.

Divorce is only paper. It doesn’t preclude future possibilities.

I just cant belive the person she is today. I am so broken down. I think I am doing ok, working on me, but I keep getting kicked down.

With complete empathy my friend. Who is kicking you down? Who do you feel is? Who do you think is?

what am I supposed to do????

Keep getting back up.

Continue working on you.

Focus on you.

Detach and find indifference.

Walk the path of healing.

Walk the path of business.



G, this is a hard and horrible road to journey. And I guarantee you, it is much worth all the efforts.

You are doing well. Stay strong. Listen and heed the counterintuitive advice.

DnJ