a new normal

[may22]

So the missing shard thing had me thinking last night. And honestly my immediate reaction was a piece cut to match. That's the thing. Is even is there is a piece missing, it doesn't mean the work was for nothing. Or that you have to give up on the whole thing. The MR 2.0 I think about looks like our old MR on the surface but upon closer inspection it's not. And if we have to mold the new pieces of our selves, because neither one of us is coming out the other side of this the same, to fit then that's what we do. And if we just can't make the pieces work, then at least I know I did everything I could to try to make something beautiful out of this mess.

I love that. You cut a new piece to fit. Ugh, WF, you kill me sometimes. You are just the very best. Reading this just released a whole load of anxiety I didn't really realize I was carrying.

Do you think there's anything directly effecting your patience here? You know something that isn't just A type urgency.

I'm not sure. H and I ended up having a baby R talk last night, because he made a kind of a-hole-y comment during the day, I asked why did you say that, and he gave me a real answer, which pissed me off, since I thought I was giving him an opportunity to say oh, sorry, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. We ended up having this talk where he said I have all these expectations for everything built up in my mind, and he feels like if he doesn't match them exactly word-for-word he loses. So like in this case, I asked him why he said that but I meant, you're being an a-hole and expected him to read between the lines and understand this. It was a really interesting conversation because of course my immediate response (which I was able to hold in) was totally defensive but I just listened, I told him I didn't want him to feel like that, and as we talked it through I realized he has a point, not just in this little situation but for this whole thing (we did a little jumping back and forth between this incident and the greater situation). He said he feels like I have it all laid out in my mind and if he doesn't toe the line exactly I'm upset. And that sometimes he has good ideas too.

Anyway, that combined with your question about my patience and some of our conversation on your thread yesterday got me to thinking more on expectations and timelines and patience. I don't think I have any good reasons for being impatient, just my standard I want it done yesterday. I need to keep thinking on this.

Though I could use your advice on one stupid timeline reason that I just pushed out... after BD#1, I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do for myself. There have been a number of outcomes around self-care, exercising, yoga, etc in that realm but one thing I've wanted to do for probably a decade was botox my elevens which have been bothering me since I was in my early 30s. My H was totally against it. So when this all happened I decided to do it. I did a ton of research, found a really good doc, and got it done. I've done it every three months since then and he has NO IDEA. It is such a small amount, it isn't expensive at all, and literally no one has noticed but me... and I love it. So I had set in my mind that I would need to tell him once we Red. However, I haven't wanted to yet because I don't feel ready yet to tell him something that I think might trigger some thoughts in him of me being insecure in my looks, which both isn't really the case, but also not something I feel is a good thing for him to think about in/re to me right now. The doc's office is open again and I originally had an appointment for May, which I pushed off to this week, and now pushed off to the end of June.

If I put myself in his shoes, I'd be really pissed if I found out that I was keeping this secret and theoretically put my family at risk to go do something kind of selfish and shallow. Like all the women who have been freaking out about their botox and roots isn't who I am. And with everything going on in the world it just seems so petty and maybe that $200 is better spent donated to BLM or something. Anyway. I'm in this weird space about it because to me, getting botox had really represented the first time I made a choice to do something wholly for me and I didn't care that my H disapproved. It was like the first real statement I made to myself about being my own woman and focusing on me, and is connected to all those other things I've been working on too, being comfortable with being a woman not just a mom, etc. So part of me feels like if I stop I'm going backwards in my own journey in all of this. But I really don't feel comfortable doing it without him knowing b/c of the pandemic.

So... I know this all feels really shallow and stupid and I'm kind of embarrassed to even be sharing it here. But it is part of my confusion right now, and I did have this idea that I'd eventually tell him about the botox and he'd be able to (a) see it wasn't that big of a deal since he never even noticed (he thought it would look fake and also kind of despises plastic surgery generally) and (b) it all ties in for me with me caring for myself, doing things for myself, and if he could understand why I wanted it and accept that in me without being judgmental, it would mean a lot. At this point, I have pushed out the appointment to the end of June and I'm thinking I won't do it until I can be honest with him about it. But that partially makes me feel like I'm pushing my own needs down.

OMG I can't believe I just wrote all that about botox. I'm so tempted to delete the whole thing. Friends, don't judge me.

Now I just want us to communicate better and for him to want to work on the MR even if it's in his own way. Which I think is the place you're kinda moving toward now.

Yes, I think so... though it isn't easy for me. I'd still prefer something more organized and sooner

Next, May, he believes it. If he didn't believe it, he wouldn't be there. He's not exactly the guy who would go back to a loveless marriage just for the kids. He's rigidity regarding "authenticity" wouldn't allow him to be in a hollow relationship for appearances sake. He's just got to work around his own narrative for a while until he's willing to really rebuild that connection. It takes two to break it, it takes two to make it.

This made me feel so good to read. But I'm not 100% sure it is true. He has said he feels we have all these amazing parts of our R, just missing this one piece, and is so so dedicated to the kids right now I think he wouldn't see it as a hollow R. I think he may be thinking he will make his peace with that part maybe being gone forever but it was worth it for the sake of the children and, honestly, also for me, his best friend and partner. I want to believe this and I do agree that he needs time, needs to work around his own narrative until he's willing... I guess just another place where I need to be patient and let go of my expectations. Either he will do this or he won't, in his own time.

The other interesting thing about our mini R talk last night is that he said he's been trying to show me that he loves me through acts of service, which he knows is my primary LL. He knew I was pissy about the a-hole comment yesterday so he took the kids out on some errands and went to a special store to get me a liqueur I've been wanting for cocktails. So when we talked last night he said hey, I'm trying to show you ILY, doing these acts of service up the wazoo... and I realized that he is explicitly trying to show me he cares. So maybe there is truth to what you say, just in his own time and his own way and not exactly how I would have thought it would be done. (Yes, I clearly still have work to do here.)

May I know you got this. You will find center. You're going to be able to push through this plateau. I know it. xoxo

xoxo