DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[BlueSea]

LH and Steve - There is alot that you have posted that I will need to step thru to understand. Caveat: I just read my post, and its terse and defensive - but please know I am thinking about your responses. I was hesitant to post my 'propositions', but it it what it is, its been a long time, sorry for tmi but I don't want to kiss and cuddle. I am not offering sex to him, I am demanding sex from him. As I told him, if I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, handling the kids - doing the 'wife' things, then I have expectations in return. In that way, h and I were/are different, he had to be in a good space for it to happen, for me its a physical need. He not wanting to take my propositions - is something I am used to, from before - he mentioning that he could be getting interested, to me, shows a shift. We have talked about his use of protection. tmi. I didn't realize that the #1 rules of DB is to never initiate sex.

He sent me that email, after I made my offer, and told me that he never thought I could see past what he has done. And that act showed it could be possible. He keeps telling me how hard a return would be, that he might not be up for working thru all that. So me, asking to watch TV with him, is not asking for scraps to just be next to him - its strategic - its me throwing a breadcrumb, me saying lets do something 'normal' and super easy - you sit there, I sit next to you and we just watch TV. Let me show you that we can do that. Okay? We do that, and then, we try something else - I don't know, something a tad bit more higher - and see how we do at that. And keep going from there.

The DB dialogue rules: responding only and to the point - can come off to someone like my H, as cold. He is not an initiator. Its a big thing for him to tee up a conversation especially right now - but I see him trying to. He knows he is being an a@@hole - I could understand why he may feel ashamed to try to talk about light things when he know he is ripping my heart thru my nose - and is thinking 'why would she even want to speak to me or talk about vegetarian sausage when we both know I am being a HUGE jerk'. Its very stilted, and lasts a few mins. He is an introvert, and I can see that he takes it the wrong way when I end the conversation first (DBing).

I have been reading BluWave (she has a lot of threads - I am still in the 2017 dates) Her H did come back, only after she let the rope go. She detached. But did so, so thoroughly that she is struggling to accept him back, and on the brink of her own A. I think one can go to far in this detaching business. I agree not to be in that panic state, grabbing after your spouse, begging and pleading. There is a healthy line there - and I am looking for it. Doing my best. I can see how after many years that it gets frustrating to read about us LBS, and the 'pathetic-ness' - know that you both are lifelines to logic that we just cant see or process right now, but more and more is making sense, though my execution is horrid.

IMHO: All of the LBS that are women know exactly why we are here. We were controlling - we had a nice guy that was a doormat - it was a co-dependency that was bad for both. And he broke under our totalitarian rule. We dug in our heels, so used to how it worked - and then one day - this nice guy decided (really had been deciding for a long time) that he was done. My nice guy has truly transformed into a monster, he can not stand me, he see's me and is repulsed from all the memories. But I wasnt this way originally, I was sweet and loving, and waited on him, and showered him with compliments and gratitude - but somewhere along the way - and I have to say the kids were a huge part of it - they can be huge stressors with demands to be #1 - and I did that. My efforts were in this order Kid1, kid2, cat1, cat2, husband.

I know its been just a few months - but - this cr@ppy experience threw off some chains I was bound in that I could not do for myself. I don't know how to explain that. And it wasnt done for H. It just happened. I was shown what a jerk I was, and it has changed my view across the board. I hope that I am able to continue in this M - I am going to do my best to do whatever I can - and its touch and go right now for sure - but I want to be able to say I tried the best I could and right now I can at least say i am trying - clearly not in the most effective way - but will try to figure that out too.

I do appreciate both of your advice and especially the way it is offered/communicated. There are 2x4s that are well delivered and I really need to process them and be open - because right now I recognize that I am being defensive. I had a happy moment and am trying to defend that, maybe wrongly so. I see this as a safe place - and do look for your experience on a daily basis.

Others - Respectfully, don't feel the need to check in on this thread anymore - preachy judgmental-ism helps no one.