new jimmy here

[SteveLW]

So Steve85

"Yes. My wife flipped more than a hamburger on a short-order cook's grill. One minute saying she wanted to stay, and the next staying she still was going to go. The WAS mind is not something that is easily understood."

Is she your wife now or did it end in divorce?

We are still married and have been Ring and piecing for almost 2 years.

If you're still married can you say what made the turn around?

This sounds like a "hey, what is the magic bullet?" question. The answer: THERE IS NO MAGIC BULLET. Sorry, but we all come to this forum as LBSs with the attitude of: "Hey, tell me what I can to do to save my marriage. Just list it out, no matter how long, and I will do it!" If only it were that easy.

What I can tell you is that my situation didn't turn around until I stopped trying to turn it around. My situation didn't turn around until I stopped trying to save my marriage. Instead, I gave up on trying to turn my sitch around and save my marriage. I embraced the fact that I was going to be D'd and that she was going to leave. I got really good at GAL. I instituted real change in my life through 180s, by continuing to learn (reading, the internet, etc) and through IC. I made these changes not for her, not to try to save my marriage, but for me! And then I worked on and got better and better at detaching (not letting her words and deeds make me have an emotional reacation). Essentially I let her go to get her back. Even that is tricky, you cannot let her go to invoke a response from her, but literally just to let her go since I cannot control her or make her happy.

I don't think you've ever really dropped the rope and let her go. You know how I know that? Because you are still hoping the D is never finalized. NJ, do you think that is logical? Your W is out of the house. You are sharing custody of the kids. For all intents and purposes your marriage is over. And you are stressing out over a legal filing that has no bearing on whether she ever comes back or not. If the D isn't finalized 15 years from now, but she still never came back, then what has not finalizing the D actually achieved!?!?

Further, you notice how long she sits in the driveway. You attach significance to her coming in to say goodbye instead of just dropping them off. NJ, I can guarantee she can feel those kinds of things. And knows she can have you back, no matter what she does, at the drop of the hat. You know when she will want to come back? When she feels like you no longer want her to come back. When I started to embrace my W's plan to get a D, get a job, and get her own place, when I started to feel excited at the prospect of being single and on my own again, that's when my wife started to waffle.

So drop the fear of the D. Stop letting her take up any space in your head. GAL, 180, detach. And make sure you are trying to save yourself.................

I assume you are still married to here but sometimes stuff gets crossed up

thx
NJ