what should a stander do, exactly?

[Gerda]

The divorce doesn't mean anything in your journey. It is horrible to go through but it changes nothing. Many marriages are restored after divorce, so you can keep standing if you want to stand.

The divorce is the business side of things. It is about how to divide what you own together and how to deal with the kids, etc. Do not sign anything without being sure it is an equitable split or at least exactly what you can live with as far as finances, accounts, property and kids.

Go scream into the forest and cry and pray and do whatever you need to but with her, stay calm. You can say, "I would be glad to look at the papers but I can't sign something so quickly. Please send me the papers and I will take a look and get back to you soon."

Keep in mind that many on these boards, such as DnJ, got a very good business deal by allowing the MLCer to proceed quickly. It is much better to let her finalize things before she realizes that she could "get more," or, as in my case, before she tries to get more and drives you out of your mind for two years doing it, even though she can't actually get more.

No rational person would create a business deal and then call the partner to demand he sign away his share two days later. Don't get sucked into her frenzied mania. But do make sure you get an equitable business deal and proceed as quickly as you can while being clear-headed. Read through the proposal slowly and propose the changes you need and get back to her quickly. Be ready to give way on a lot if it will help you avoid lawyers and judges, as you will waste a lot of time and money that way. Ask yourself how much you are willing to pay for peace and have that in your mind as you compromise. (And in the meantime, pull out half of all your savings and everything and put it in your own account, and block her use of your credit cards.) The love and marriage part will not change even if she ends the business side, if you choose to stand. She can come back with or without the divorce, and she can also not come back. I know how much it hurts, but you have to trust the rest of us who went through it and understand that it doesn't mean anything. Let the pain sweep over you but don't let her see your pain. You will get through it. Put on your business hat and look through everything, or ask a friend to do it with you if you can't think clearly. Take it to a couple lawyers and get their opinions on it as a way of seeing if there is a lawyer you want to work with.