Me: 37 / W: 39 Married: 10 years / Together: 22 years D: 21 S: 20
So about 8 weeks ago I felt my wife being distant so I asked her what was going on, she says she needs space and I got the ILYBNILW speech well actually she says she's "scared she's not in love with me" and before I know it she's out the door and moving in with my daughter. 24 hours later I get a phone call saying its over where the next bomb is dropped and that there is someone else (a co-worker) that she has "feelings" for that she has been texting since December 19 so the EA is uncovered.
About a week later she came back and we had a terrible week as we where both unprepared for what was going on. The emotions ruled and I smothered her and we where intimate and that was the end of that week and she moved back into my daughters.
Now how did we get here well after the last 8 weeks we grew apart and honestly things like work which was 7 days a week and often until quite lat 9am to 11pm as I am self employed and so we never had much time together. We always had issues between us about money as I would spend it (never to the point we could afford it) but i'd spend it and she'd want to pay all debts all off and ignored that and continued in that behaviour so she grew to resent that. She was handling the billings and so juggling the money. I was often quite grumpy due to the long hours and I myself could feel us growing apart and yet I didn't get off my *ss an do anything about it. I lost my Mum to a short battle to cancer a few years ago and it just messed me up.
Understand this I have not and never will condone what she has done in terms of the affair and I have told that is on her. I do understand however the circumstances in may what have lead up to this but it was her decision to cross the line.
Where are we now? I have recognised my failure as a husband and I have explained to her I understand that that I didn't care for her needs and she did not feel listed to and I have apologised for that. I have sold many of the gadgets that I bought and I have paid of 90% of our debts, I have also started to exercise and have lost 3st and am in much better shape both physically and mentally for a while. I was always a night owl and have stopped staying up late and now go to bed earlier to ensure I am getting better sleep which I am (maybe the odd wake up) and again that is helping mentally.
Initially my wife said it was over but a few things happened that got us together and we've ended up talking and over the last few weeks we've went back and forth and during a "heart to heart" she tells me that they have now had sex and its devastated me as I wanted to try and prevent that, but she seems to justify that with the old Ross and Rachael argument (but that only happened when we where separated). I've taken a few weeks to process that and decide what I want and I do want to save my marriage but at the moment my wife is not so sure and she is telling me she is not sure what she wants. I've learned pretty quickly that trying to talk to her about things or ask her about us is pushing her away so I have stopped all that. I have told her I want to save the marriage and that I am working on myself to make myself a better husband and that she has a safe and forgiving place to come back to should she wish to do so. I do not want to "convince" her as such I want her to make that decision herself so that I know that she is committed.
At the moment I have no idea what the status is with the OM and if she is still texting him, I do know they are not seeing each other outside of work at the moment and most days except a Tuesday my daughter has lunch with my wife. So if she had been seeing him more casually I believe my daughter would have mentioned it.
I know the stance of the board seems to be to do a 180 and drop all contact but I am just not sure that is the route to go in this situation and while it feels somewhat beneath me to "compete" with the OM I look more at it as giving my wife a chance to reconnect with me again (the person she fell in love with). Of course that is just my opinion and hence the reason for the post to see what others make of it that are more experienced in this sort of thing.
Last edited by job; 06/04/2007:02 PM. Reason: edited language
