Riding the Wave 3

[wayfarer]

Oh boy, May, you gave me a lot to think about here.

is it so bad to let it go, sometimes? Like you counseled me to do on our anniversary? It is OK to be in the moment and be happy with what is happening right now, no matter what lies unresolved or what might happen tomorrow? I think I mentioned this in a post many months ago, where I heard a guy speak who is close with the Dalai Lama. He said His Holiness is always, always in the moment and feels everything so deeply right then-- but there is zero holdover from one moment to the next. Tears could be streaming down his face as he hears a horrible tale of torture and then the next minute he's cracking up at a joke. Now obviously the Dalai Lama sets a high bar. But is there something else you can do or try to be more comfortable sitting in the moment, especially with all the other things happening all around us right now? I'm thinking I might re-start meditation practice when I can.

It's not. But it's those moments of him leaning in that break me down more than the moments of uncertainty or the tense moments. But given that I'm watching military vehicles drive just blocks from my home and getting curfew alarms on my phone every night I think maybe it's time to start trying harder to center myself and just live moment to moment. I think I need to just let go of my past trauma and just let him be him in that moment without over thinking it.

I feel like you're really holding onto this one. You passed some of the other deadlines-- wasn't he originally wanting to MO in April? And then you guys agreed to talk in April too? Do you think you'll feel differently when he pays the July rent? Or does this whole Covid situation screw that up somewhat?

So question-- what would it take to drop this moving out piece in your head, or at least assign it the same amount of angst as all the other crap? He also hasn't said anything about it in a long, long time. And back then when he was gung-ho to MO he did all KINDS of other things and said all sorts of terrible things that it seems (at least to me, from afar and from what I read that you post) that his day-to-day positive behavior has slowly erased, or at least started to outweigh the effects of most of those other things he had said/done in the past in terms of how you view him. What would it take for you to let go of worrying about the move out part?

I set an R talk for March 1 that he ignored and started R talks multiple times in January and in February. OW had dumped him before my March 1 date. The day I didn't want to say a thing about our R until....April 1 was when he said he'd leave. Then after he got dumped pushed it out to "IDK May or maybe June." Well he just paid the rent for June. But I haven't brought up anything about us since a couple weeks before quarantine when I finally asked him what was going on considering the changes i.e. sleeping together again, not disappear, not being out all night, etc. And it ended with him yelling "it was just sex, I knew this was going to happen. and Me calling him pathetic, immature and a coward for being willing to throw his whole life away in 3 months but refusing to give it 3 months to try with me. Then I apologized for being a b**** not for what I said. I offered an ear over the break up. We resumed sleeping together. Parent teacher conference. D16's bday. And then quarantine. So while I think covid gave me the gift of time it's thrown his previous time line out the window. And I haven't gotten a time line update since. So I guess I'm feeling like all those deadlines are more looming in the ether than erased entirely.

However, he's shopping like crazy since the stores reopened because he lost a lot of weight during this whole thing too. But his weight doesn't fluctuate like mine so I've been able to supplement my online shopping with skinny clothes I had in the basement. He just kinda looked homeless or disheveled. He's still paying all his bills around here and paying for nearly every meal that gets ordered in. Still buying things for the girls. So if he is going he's going on a really tight budget. I don't know that I'm going to let go of the he's going to leave unless he tells me differently. I think if he pays July rent though I'm going to have to initiate an R talk. I'm sorry but that that point I'm just going to have to ask what his plan is. I know it's not DBing but by month 6 of I'm leaving but I haven't left I think it's my right to ask wtf is going on. I wouldn't care if he's still on the fence. Fine. But by that point we're not just going to leave things unsaid any more.

I am so tired too. It is so exhausting. I'm thinking about what you wrote on my thread and the truth is I somehow DO want the fairytale, H to collapse at my feet, OMG I was so wrong and I realized that losing you would tear me apart and how can I ever make it up to you? I probably watch too many sappy movies. And I'm coming to realize that this will probably never happen, even if we totally end up building a blissful M2.0, given who my H is. But this day to day slog of patience and letting go is just a lot. (And... I also see how people in our situations can have rebound/revenge affairs. I was just sitting here thinking how I would feel if some young hot thing came along and looked at me all googly eyed and really listened to everything I said and wanted me after all these months of whatever this is. Good thing we are still on lockdown and that would never, ever happen!)

I had a few somethings looking at me googly eyed hanging on my every word. One in particular I let get a little far. It made me feel great in the moment. But after, I'd feel like I was no better than H. And all we did was talk. It's hard to stay on the petty a** high ground if you can't be on the moral high ground. So it's not what I thought I'd get out of it. And I'm still very, very much in love with H. Through this all, I love him so much there is no way any other man could really make anything worthwhile work with me right now.

And I have an idea for you, to take or leave... what if you had a baby R talk? Not a real one, not asking him to commit. Just telling him maybe a little of how you feel? Validating what he said on your anniversary and saying this is weird for me too and I don't know what the future holds but I'm glad you're here? Or something along those lines? It might be a terrible idea, I don't know. But in my case having those tiny little conversations about small things like the Spotify playlist really did help me, without getting into any depth about how he felt or what our future would look like. Just me telling him how I felt about a really specific thing, him listening, and taking action.

I think honestly that's probably a good idea. I think we're so far out from a tiny kind of R talk spooking him like a skiddish cat that it would probably be fine, but I just didn't really know how to graze these things. His knee jerk before was always "well I'm still moving out there's nothing her for me." I think I was worried about that. I just can't keep hearing that and not reacting. But approaching something he said and he did that he took the lead on acknowledging might be a safe way, just to let out a little of the pressure that's building up. Just enough to not feel like I'm drowning or so exhausted.

You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you May. I appreciate you so much. xoxo